


want me, love me, save me

by PinappleTheWriter



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: (if i can write it), (probably), (sometimes), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Clexa, College romance, Drama, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, For remember clexa, Grief, Love is "weakness", Promise, Stoic Lexa, Tattoos, no lexa death, party clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:56:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8471128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinappleTheWriter/pseuds/PinappleTheWriter
Summary: Clarke is a med student getting ready for internship. has a normal life, normal friends (except for Raven), somewhat normal job (part time tattoo artist is normal, right?), normal mom. the only thing not normal about her is the huge crush on the most stoic person she has ever met.
Lexa tries her hardest to have the most predictible boring life. Law or physics school in the morning, work by afternoon, house by night, nothing fancy, nothing extraordenary. that is until she has to pair up with a certain aplied physics major for an assignement, who envites her to the house she shares with a certain stuning blonde she loves ever since she laid eyes on her.





	1. I know her

**Author's Note:**

> Hey.  
> my name is Ana, im a bi college student with nothing to do, and i love writting!! :D
> 
> so, english is not my mother tongue.  
> Also, im not american, so i have a very basic idea of how college (or new york) works, so everytime i dont know, im going with what i know from home.  
> but please, feel free to correct me everytime. :D
> 
> also, im a slow writer, so i'll try to post every 10 day, but i wont promise.
> 
> thanks for reading.
> 
> Kudos, please... and coments.
> 
> enjoy!!! :D

# 1\. I know her

  

                Clarke hates biochemistry. She doesn’t get the point. Everything remotely useful about the subject was learned on another (no doubt, much more interesting) class. Everything else was just… Got damn it!! She was going to be a doctor, not a lab technician!! Where on earth is she going to use any knowledge about protein colour markers or electrolytic migrations? Why did anyone think Med students needed that?!

                “My life sucks!” Her thoughts are voiced by her best friend as she entered their apartment, startling the blonde. “I can’t believe this!” Raven rants as she sat on top of her roommate’s legs, that are extended on the couch.

                Clarke puts down the book and looks up as Raven turns on the TV. Apparently, study time was over.

                “What’s up, Rae?” She sighs.

                “So, remember I told you that my Atomic physics’ class was shared with some students form the physics minor?”

                Clarke nods. How could she forget? In the beginning of the semester, Raven had ranted for over half an hour about how subjects from applied physics major had to be shared with “some teenage kids who know less about physics than any law major morons”.

                “Well, for our final project, we have ten questions to answer and deliver before next Friday. Because they are hardass, super complex questions, our professor paired us up into groups of two.” Raven’s voice volume has started to go up, the TV forgotten as soon as it’s on. Clarke can just about figure out the rest of the story. “And the idiot decided it would be a brilliant idea to sort the groups out of a bag! Conclusion: I got paired up with a minor idiot! But that’s not even the worst part! Remember how I told you Law students knew more about physics than the minor idiots? Well, my theory just had proven right!”

                “Wait, now you lost me. What does that have to with anything?”

                “The girl that got paired up with me is, according to the professor, the best student on the Physics minor.” She sounds so sarcastic she feels bad for the poor girl, whoever she is.

                “Ok…”

                _Where the hell is she going with this?_

                “Well, as it turns out, she’s also majoring in Law in the end of the semester.”

                Clarke sits up in shock, pulling her legs from under her best friend.

                “Wait, what?! What is she doing in Physics?”

                “That’s what I asked! Prof couldn’t answer me. Neither did she. She basically just run out of class, saying something about ‘meeting latter’. I barely had time to give her my number.” Raven slides to the side so she’s basically lying on top of Clarke and her biochemistry books. “What did I do to deserve this?”

                She knows Raven is not looking for an answer, but she can’t contain herself. Ever sense high school Clarke needs a healthy daily dose of sarcasm to live.

                “Probably the same I did to deserve being your pillow.” She tries to push Raven off of her, knowing it’s probably pointless; Raven has always been stronger than her.

                But Raven sits back on the couch properly, looking at Clarke like an abandoned dog.

                “Seriously, though. Why?”

                Clarke frowns.

                “How am I supposed to know that?”

                Raven doesn’t have time to answer because her phone starts to ring. She doesn’t know the number, so, as she picks up, she puts it on speaker. It’s a habit between the two of them: if they’re both in the room, they both have to hear the phone. (Exceptions are made for doctor calls and boyfriend/girlfriend business, the latter only because three-way phone sex it’s weird even for them).

                “Yello.” Raven greets the stranger.

                “Hello.” It’s a woman’s voice on the other side, soft but firm. “Is this Raven Reyes?”

                “That will depend on who wants to know. If you’re some creep, I’ll probably be the NYPD.” Raven face changes so fast from mopey dog to mocking grin, Clarke makes an unhuman effort not to burst into laugh.

                An annoyed sigh is heard from the other end of the line.

                “We’re supposed to do an Atomic Physics project together. Are you Raven, or did she give me the wrong number?” The voice keeps a neutral tone that’s hard to read, but one thing that sticks out is that the girl is half expecting that to happen. And Clarke can’t deny it’s something Raven would do.

                “No, this is Raven. Alexandra, right?”

                “Lexa.” The voice corrects. A very familiar voice _._ And a familiar name. “When can we meet?”

                “Ah, straight forward. All right.” Raven whispers so only her roommate can hear. She looks like she’s having way too much fun with this. “For me, we could start today. Are you free now?” She looks at Clarke with the same mock smile she had picking up the phone and Clarke rolls her eyes. Sometimes she’s sure Raven takes an orgasmic pleasure on catching people off guard.

                “Right now, I can’t. I’m at work.” The two friends look at itch other with surprised eyes. The girl – _Lexa, that name does sound familiar_ – doesn’t even hesitate. She just answers like Raven just asked the most logical thing in the world. But the girl is even able to surprise them more. “But I’ll be free in about an hour. Can we meet at 7?”

                “Ah…” Raven looks at Clarke with a slightly panicky look. “Sure! I’ll text you my address.” She hangs up before the other can even answer.

                Clarke doesn’t know if she should laugh or just roll her eyes. Lexa, _I know I know that voice…_ , just caught Raven, probably the smartest person she knows, on her own game. She sounded a little too cold and professional for Clarke’s taste, _that sounds way too familiar as well_ , but she has to give some credit to the girl. You can count on one hand the number of times Raven didn’t have the last word.

                Raven looks at her and groans.

                “Don’t even start.” But the glare she tries to give her only makes Clarke’s grin wider. She watches as Raven texts (possibly the address) and tries to get off the couch, slapping Clarke’s arm on the way. As she walks to her room, the blonde turns off the TV and thinks about going back to bury herself in her books again. That thought is thrown out the window as Raven sits back where she was a minute ago, this time with her computer on her lap.

                “What the hell are you doing?” Clarke asks, trying to take her legs out from under the brunette. “And I though we establish that I was no pillow?”

                Raven chooses to ignore the blonde’s last statement.

                “I’m trying to know if we just invite a psycho to our house.”

                “’We’?” The blonde raises her eyebrows. “Wait… Are you stalking you partner on social media?!” She says as she does her best to sit up.

                “Researching.” The girl corrects. “I need to know who I’m working with.”

                “Uh-Hu. Tell that to yourself.”

                She shakes her head. She can’t exactly say she’s surprised. Raven love to search (well, more like stalk) people. It would be called a hobby by now. A week after they met, Clarke found out that the brunette knew more about her online life than she did herself (including a little incident evolving the ex they have in common, revenge pictures and a _lot_ of tequila she didn’t know about). The girl could trace one’s life all the way back until the day the person joined online; more if their parents were there too. The brunette had learned Clarke’s address, social security number, family tree, school she went to and college applications when she had only heard her first name. Granted, not a very common first name, especially for a girl, but still. Next thing she knows, she comes back home from a somewhat disastrous spring break to find the brunette in the red leather jacket she saw punching the guy she was with at the club a few days before, sitting at the stairs of her apartment building with her laptop in hand.

                “ _Look, I know you don’t know me, but I though you needed to see this.”_ She has said, showing her some way too awkward pictures of her on Finn’s Instagram. “ _I tried to take them out, but he re-uploaded them. I think you were just as screwed as I was on this whole story, so, if you want, I can give you his address, since my lovely shouted threats did absolutely nothing.”_

                Eventually the photos were taken down (with a little persuasion, Raven’s baseball bat, ‘a much more visual incentive’, Raven said, and a new threat, this time, of a law suit) and they had been friends ever since.

                “Found her!” Raven’s voice wakes her up from her inner thoughts. “Damn, this one hides herself pretty well.”

                Clarke laughs.

                “So what? You love a challenge! What did you find?” She asks, as she tries her best to look at the screen.

                “Ok, so, no twitter, no Instagram, Facebook profile in private mode... I guess the girl doesn’t like the online life. I did find some friends of hers that have her tagged in their pictures. Apparently, she’s friends with Octavia’s loverboy.” She turns the screen a bit so Clarke can see the photo. It shows Lincoln, the loverboy, a huge bald guy that would probably scare someone off if it wasn’t for the equally huge grin on his face, with his harms around a brunette girl with bright green eyes, looking slightly annoyed, but with a smirk on her face none the less. In the description, it’s written: “Got the Commander to join the pic. Can you get her to join Instagram?”

                Clarkes eyes almost jump out of orbit.

                _That’s it!_

                “That’s her?! That’s your partner?”

                “Yep. Pretty hot, heh?”

                “I know her.” She can’t believe she didn’t connect the dots before. Lexa isn’t an all that common nickname anyway. Must be all the biochemistry in her head.

                “What?!” Raven asks, turning her head to the blonde. “How?”

                “She works at Grounders Ink. Well, sort of. She’s there a lot. She’s Gustus daughter, or something. She’s the one that interviewed me.” She shakes her head. How come she didn’t make the connection?!

                “She works at a tattoo shop?!”

                “Yeah, but she’s not an artist. She’s she does their taxes and stuff like that. You know, paperwork and shit.” Clarke has been working part time on the tattoo shop since she got into Med school. She always loved art and she had done some amateur tattooing to her friends, and it provide her with enough money to split an apartment with a friend instead of living in a dorm room. She had applied when she read at the door they were looking of another artist at the shop, since one of them quit.

                Lexa had done her interview. The blonde had felt star-struck with the beauty of the other woman, contrasting with the distant expression on her face. She was stoic and cold and extremely professional, and Clarke had felt somewhat self-conscious with those crazy green eyes staring at her at all times.

                When she got the job, she though the girl would be less serious around her.

                She couldn’t be more wrong. Lexa was very reserved, professional and generally quiet, and yet, she had such an aura of leadership and such confidence, everyone seemed to look at her as a leader, someone they could rely on.  She would show up once a week to go over the register, and every now and then, to pick someone up or drop someone off. Every time they cross eyes, she would nod, and Clarke would nod back.  But that was it.

                Since they met, that photo was the biggest smile she ever saw on the woman.

                “She’s an accountant?” Raven asks.

                Clarkes shakes her head.

                “Not exactly. She just helps Gustus with the bills.” She shrugs.

                “Well, how is she? Do I need to be worried? Is she a serial killer of something?”

                “She’s…” She’s about to say _nice_ when she stops herself. Lexa’s not nice. She’s polite, respectful, professional, but definitely not nice.

                “O-oh.” Raven shakes her head, making Clarke bite her bottom lip. She can’t lie to Raven. She never could. The damn brunette always knows when she’s hiding something. “What did she do to you?”

                That makes her smile a little. Raven is very protective about her friends. That’s one of things she loves the most about the girl.

                “Nothing.” That’s actually true. Lexa has never done anything to her. Not even talk. “She’s just… a bit distant, I guess. Always very serious. But she’s very professional. She’s probably a good person to work with.”

                “You don’t know her very well, do you?”

                From the grin on Raven’s face and the mockery tone, it’s clear the real question is ‘Do you want to?’, but Clarke answers anyway.

                “I don’t think anybody does. I didn’t even know she was in law school, much less physics.” She turns her head back to the computer, in awe. The woman on the picture is definitely Lexa, but looks nothing like the Lexa she knows. This Lexa is shy, not distant; annoyed maybe, but not cold. And she’s _smiling_! Sure, not a huge smile, but it’s definitely there. “I think this is the first time I see her smile.”

                “Yeah, she sounds niiiice.” The irony on Raven’s voice is so thick you can practically grab it. The blonde just rolls her eyes. “She’s not that bad. I’m sure you’ll…” she doesn’t have time to finish her statement.

                “How do you know? For all you know, she could be a Dexter-like psychopath and we wouldn’t even notice.” The turns her eyes back to the computer. “I’m gonna dig some more.”

                After a while, and with Clarke helping with some names, they find a few more photos of her on other people’s social media. It’s always the same group: Lincoln, Ryder, a big scary guy with an equally huge beard, another huge scary guy named Nyko (who’s a paramedic, Clarke informs), Anya, a blonde girl with a sassy smile, Luna, another artist from the tattoo shop, and Emori, a tough looking girl who for some reason, is always with a glove on her left hand.

                “They’re all related.” Clarke tells the brunette. “They’re all family. Lincoln and Anya are both Gustus biological children. Nyko is Gustus half-brother, but he’s mush younger than him. He’s just a couple years older than Linc. Luna and Emori, along with Lexa, I think, are adopted of something like that. I’m pretty sure Ryder is too.” She remembers Lincoln saying something like that one time when they were both at the shop on a dead time. She isn’t sure about the status Lexa and Ryder have on the family, as Lincoln was a little reserved about that, saying Lexa was more of a reserved person, but she assumed that much.

                “So, she only hangs out with her family. That’s not weird at all.” Clarke can tell Raven is frustrated. She usually can figure out someone’s entire life though a computer, but with Lexa, she has nothing to hold on to. Not even an e-mail adress.

                Clarke just shrugs.

                “I told you she was a private person.”

                “No. Linc is a private person. Low profile, quiet, sits at the bar in clubs… that’s a private person. This girl is a fucking hermit. She…” raven’s rant is interrupted by a bell ring. They both look at the time on the laptop. They had been stalking this girl online for over an hour and neither of them noticed.

                “Go check it.” Clarke states, as she leans back on the couch.

                “I’m handicaped!!” Raven points at the brace on her left leg.

                The blonde just rolls her eyes.

                “You’re only handicapped when there’s something you don’t wanna do. The door is for you. I’m not expecting anybody. And you’re sitting on my legs, so…” she says, pointing to Raven.

                The brunette lifts her butt just enough to push Clarke legs form underneath her.

                “Please!!”

                “Go!”

                Raven groans and gets up. As she walks to open the door down stairs, Clarke notices she’s limping more than usual.

                “Is your leg hurting?”

                Raven shrugs as she presses the button.

                “Had to run to the subway. It wasn’t hurting when I got in. It’ll go away, don’t…”

                “…Worry; yeah, I know the drill.” Clarke does worry, though. Of course she does. Raven always pretends it’s nothing, but Clarke knows. She studies that kind of things, after all.

                A few weeks after they met, Clarke got a call from her mother, at the hospital. Raven got shot by a stray bullet in her neighbourhood. It hit her spine. Clarke’s mom did the best she could, but at the end of the day, the nerves on her left leg were severed. She couldn’t fell anything from her left knee down.

Raven’s mother was no help either. She got to the hospital four days after her daughter got admitted, completely trashed. As soon as she got there, she tried to take Raven out of there, screaming it was all a scam because they couldn’t afford insurance, yelling at the girl about how it was Raven’s fault she got shot (“ _this wouldn’t have happened if you were working to bring money home like you should have!”_ ). Unluckily for her mother, all that rant happened on the same day the cops were there to ask Raven some questions about the shooting. The woman got arrested for disturbances and, since she was legally an adult, Raven went to live with the Griffins for a while (it was supposed to be a week, just until she recovers, but it ended up being until they went to college).

“If you want, I can massage it latter.” Clarke says. Her mom had taught her how.

“Thanks.” Raven answers with the usual shy smile she always has when she wants something but doesn’t want to ask, as they hear a knock on the door.

She opens the door to find a green eyed, tanned brunette with long curly brown hair falling down her back, fully dressed in black and wearing combat boots, with a completely emotionlessness mask on her face. She looks around to lay her eyes on the familiar blonde lying on the couch, covered with books, notebooks and paper sheets.

For anyone else, Lexa’s face doesn’t change one bit.

But the stoic mask is the only one Clarke knows, and every little display of emotion is, therefore, very noticeable by Clarke. So, only Clarke detects the surprise that is on the girl’s face of a fraction of a second.

But that is gone faster than it came. Lexa looks back at Raven, her face under control again.

“You don’t check who knocks on your door?”

No hello, no nothing. Yep, that’s the Lexa she knows.

Raven just shrugs like is no big deal. Which it isn’t really.

“The speaker here doesn’t work. I could ask who it is all I want and you would hear it, but I wouldn’t hear the answer anyway. Besides, I was expecting you, so…”

Lexa just nods.

“C’mon. Let’s go to the kitchen.” Raven turns around in the direction of the side door.

Lexa frowns

“Why the kitchen?”

“It’s the only place in this house with a proper table. Why do you think that one”, she points at Clarke, “is studying there?”

Lexa just nods like everything other girl just said makes completely ant total sense.

_Raven is gonna have a hard time with this one._

                “I’m pretty sure you two already met?” She glares at Clarke.

                “Hum…” Sometime she really hates Raven. Lexa and her don’t socialize. Ever. They’re polite when needed, and that’s it. They speak to one another when they have to, and that’s it. And right now, if it wasn’t for Raven forcing it, they didn’t have to. But none the less… “Hi, Lexa.”

                “Hello, Clarke.” The brunette responds, on the same distant, cold tone she always uses. She then turns around and enters the kitchen, followed by a Raven who’s trying almost as hard to keep a grin off her face as Clarke is to not to get up and punch her girl.

                Clarke turns back to her books. As much as she hates it, she does need to study.

-.-.-.-

                It didn’t happen often, but Lexa’s having a hard time picking up.

It’s clear the difference between applied physics grads and physics minors in every class they had together, but still. Lexa is the best in her class. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Of course it doesn’t help to know Clarke is on the other room.

Clarke is here.

Clarke.

_Clarke!_

Why does it have to be Clarke? It really is a small world. How the hell did this happen? What were the chances of her physics partner being roommates with _Clarke_? Why _Clarke_?

                “…So, the larger the potential pit is, the less the chance of particles to go through.” Raven was saying. Lexa thinks she’s talking more to herself than to her, but when she doesn’t answer, she raises her head from their notes. “Did you get that?”

                “Yes.” She replies automatically. She omits the fact that she does understand that part, but doesn’t get half of the rest. But she can’t show Raven that.

                The other girl sighs.

                “Look, I’m just as happy with this” she points back and forward between the two of them “as you are. Believe me, I would be much happier to work with someone from major. But we’re stuck together at least until the end of the week. Which means I need to know this: can you help me with this, or do I need to do this all by myself? ‘Cause I’m fine with that. I even write your name on it. I’m not fine, however, with tutoring someone from my own class because that same someone doesn’t understand the subject. I’m ok with caring you in this project, but if I wanted to teach, I would be a teacher.”

                _At least, she’s up front._

                “I’m perfectly capable to contribute to the assignment. I just don’t have the same baggage as you do.” She suddenly has an idea. “How about I do the questions I know best and you do the others. If you don’t trust me, you can always revise what I write. That way, we don’t need to talk to each other and finish this much faster.”

                Lexa is always happy with not talking. She finds most talking useless. She works better in quiet.

                Raven smirks at her.

                “Clarke did tell me you weren’t much if a talker.”

                Lexa has to hold her tongue. _Clarke talked about me?_ She has to try really hard to keep a straight face. Of course the years of experience to look indifferent about everything help.

                “Fine.” Raven continues. “As long as you can finish your half, it’s cool with me.”

                After they assign some of the questions to each one of them, they fall into silence for a long time, each of them doing their work.

                That time is interrupted by a blonde girl entering the kitchen.

                “Can you get me a beer?” Raven asks as Clarke heads to the fridge, not taking her eyes off the paper.

                The blonde just looks at her with widen eyes.

                “You’ve been in the kitchen for two and a half hours, but I have to get in for you to want a beer?!”

                Lexa lifts her head up to the blonde. They couldn’t be there for that long, could they?

                “We’ve been here for two hours?”

                As if it was answering, her phone starts to ring. She looks at it and rolls her eyes.

                _Ryder. Of course._ She stands up to the door.

                “Excuse me.” She says, as she leaves to the living room. She doesn’t go far, though, just resting her back against the apartment’s wall. “Hey, Ryder. I’m not dead, before you ask.” She adds, rolling her eyes. Ryder is, for the lack of a better description, her big badass body guard. He’s the closest thing she has to a big scary brother (though Nyko has him making a run for his money). He’s also extremely protective of Lexa.

                “ _Where the hell are you?”_ She heard from the other side of the line.

                “I’m at my physics partner’s house. I was focussed on the assignment. Didn’t noticed the time. I’m heading out now. I’ll be home in ten minutes.”

                “ _How are you coming home?”_ He questions.

                “Subway.” _How do you think?_ She can’t say that, though. She knows he cares. Even though he’s annoying sometime, he just cares.

                _“At this hour?! No way. I’m picking you up. Where are you?”_

                She rolls her eyes. What is she, five?

                “There’s no need for that, Ryder. I’m not a kid anymore.”

                “ _Lexa, please. Just let me get you. I really don’t like the idea of you walking alone at night. I know you think I’m being annoying, but please, just send me the address and I’ll just go there and we’ll walk back together.”_

                She sighs.

                “Fine.” She finally agrees. Not really for her, but for him. If he feels better walking her home at night, that’s the least she can do for him. “I’ll send you the address. But hurry up, please.”

“ _Don’t worry.”_ She can almost hear the grin on his voice. “ _You lasted two hours there. Ten extra minutes of social interaction won’t kill you.”_

                “Bye, Ryder.” She states before she hangs up. She goes back to the kitchen, where the other two girls are happily chatting about something she doesn’t even pay attention to. She sits back where she was and continues her task like nothing happened. After all, that’s why she was there; to work.

                After a while, she notices the girls stopped talking. She looks up to see blonde and brunette glaring at each other, both of them with a challenging face, like they were having a mental argument. Finally, Raven turns to her with a sideways smile, while Clarke rolls her eyes and sighs in apparent frustration.

                “So, you’re not much of a talker, are you?” She asks, while Clarke just looks around, like she’s searching some place to hide. It actually amuses her a little.

                “No, I’m not.” She answers in a neutral tone, wandering where this was heading. Hopefully, nowhere. She’s not a people’s person. She hates small talk. If fact, she hates talk in general. Besides, she’s there to work.

                “Why not?” The other brunette continues.

                _That’s an odd question._

                “Why do you like to talk?” She asks back. She doesn’t say she feels like talking is usual useless.

                Raven shrugs, as if saying ‘fair enough’, but that doesn’t mean she girl is done.

                “I’m just asking ‘cause I think I heard more of your voice during that one minute talk on the phone that the entire two hours you were here, so…” The other brunette is smiling at her like Lexa is some kind of puzzle. And from what she learned from the girl so far, Raven doesn’t stop until she cracks it.

                _Well, you can keep trying._

                “That’s probably because I needed to say more things to him than I do to you.” She answers, with her best stoic expression. From her peripheral vision, she can see Clarke muffle a chuckle, so she continues, unable to stop herself. “Besides, you proved that you can speak enough for both of us, so I didn’t need to say much anyway.” She adds as she turns her head back to her papers.

                This time, Clarke can’t control herself; Lexa hears her laugh and now she’s the one who have to stop herself from laughing as well. If she loses control, Raven wins. She can’t let that happen.

                But Raven decides to change her angle.

                “So, have you met Octavia?” she asks.

                Lexa looks back at the girl. She in deed had met Octavia. She was Lincoln’s girlfriend, so everyone in their weird family had met her. And she knew she was friends with Clarke, since Clarke was the one to introduce her to Lincoln, so it was fair to assume that her roommate knew her as well.

                “Yes, I have met her.” She answers simply as she checks the clock on her phone. _Only eight more minutes._

She has hope that her blunt response puts an end of their interaction, but of course, she’s in no such luck.

                “What do you think about her?” The brunette fires back, frowning her eyebrows, like she’s trying to read the other brunette’s expression.

                “She’s good for Lincoln. He really like her, I think.” She keeps her eyes lock on Raven’s brown ones. “And I fail to see how this conversation is useful to our work.”

                Unfortunately, Raven is quick with her words too.

                “It doesn’t have to be. Not all is about work, Lexa. But if you wanna make it about work, I always like to know who I’m working with.”

                “And that includes asking me about Octavia?” She asks back, trying to save herself. _If I don’t answer back, I either give up or give in. She wins either way._

                “Why not? The best way to know someone is to find some common ground, right?” Raven has such a smug smile on her face Lexa almost rolls her eyes. But she knows she can’t do that either. Any display of emotions, including annoyance, would declare Raven’s talk was affecting her in some way. And she couldn’t give the girl was she wanted. That was _not_ going to happen. “There’s so little we know about you, you know. For all I know, you’re a serial killer.”

                “Why do you care what I do with my free time?” She replies with a dry smile, not even bothering to deny the insinuation. She’s not really mad for her dialogue with the other brunette. Lexa has to admit; she is a smart opponent. She is pissed off, however, about the fact that said brunette actually believed that she would actually talk about herself to prove she was a good person to the other two people in the room.

                _There’s no way I’ll give her the upper hand on this._

                “No real reason. I just like to know who I’m working with.” She repeats.

                _Sure you do._

                “You’re working with a physics minor and Law major. There’s no need for you to know mush more than that. I don’t know much more about you either. And I don’t want to.” She adds before the other brunette has time to respond. She looks at the phone again. _Four more minutes_. She just hopes Ryder arrives when he said.

                She really thinks Raven is done with the interrogation, but the smirk on the brunette’s face make Lexa think the other girl has another trick up her sleeve.

                She almost winces at the thought.

                “So, why does Lincoln call you Commander?” Raven asks, that smug smile never leaving her face.

                _Well, apparently, I only stand seven minutes of social interaction_. She doesn’t know how Raven knows about her nickname, and frankly, she doesn’t really care that she does. What she does care about is the fact that her physics partner is trying to get her of guard for no apparent reason other than sport.

                And Lexa doesn’t like to be toyed around.

                She starts to gather her things.

                “Since we won’t do any more work today, I think I’ll leave.” She puts her backpack on her shoulder and adds: “When can we meet again to finish this?”

“Maybe tomorrow?” Raven answers. “It was just curiosity, you know? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

                “Yes you did.” She replies in a tone that’s not up for questioning. “Tomorrow I have to work too. I don’t want to stay out this late again. What about Wednesday after class?”

                “Ahh… Sure! But I-”

                But Lexa doesn’t let her finish.

                “Where?”

                “Ahh… Here?”

                She shrugs. She can’t let her face show it, but she’s a little proud to have caught the other brunette off guard when Raven’s goal was the other way around.

                “Sure. See you tomorrow in class. Goodbye, Clarke.” And she walks out of the kitchen to the front door, but not before catching a glimpse of mocking grin on Clarke’s face while looking at the back of the head of the stunned brunette on the table.

                As she walks down the stairs, she decides that that smile alone is worth Raven’s annoying questions.


	2. Reasons of the mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is left arguing with Rven. Ryder confronts Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry, i know im late  
> in my defence, i had an exam last week, spent a week without writing anything.  
> so, this is more of a filler chapter, os you guys can know more of clarke's and lexa's motivations. i was going to make this bigger and adding the next scene (i'm half way though writting it), but it didn't feel like the same chapter, so that's why i'm putting just this now. i'll try to make the next one faster.  
> also, i know the first chapter was huge, and this one is super small, the next one will be bigger, i swear. (probably not as big a the first one, but i'll try.)  
> it's my first non-one-chap-long fanfic, so please, bare with me and be pacient.  
> i'm really sorry i can't write faster.
> 
> anyway, enjoy! :D

# 2\. Reasons of the mind

               

 

“Why did you do that?!” She turns to Raven as soon as she hears the front door close.

                Raven turns to her with an annoyed look.

                “What? I didn’t do…”

                “Don’t you dare say you didn’t do anything.” Only now she realises how angry she is. It was quite funny to watch Lexa taking over the conversation end leave Raven speechless; that is, until she remembers why did Lexa leave like that. “That was basically an interrogation!”

                “Why are you so mad?” Ravens asks as she gets up. It takes a few seconds for the blonde to realize that, not only it wasn’t a rhetorical question, but also Raven has a smirk on her face. The kind of smirk she has when she solves a problem before everyone else does.

                And the worst part is that Clarke knows what she means. And of course she knows why the means it. And Raven knows her well enough to notice that too.

                “You… You… You sounded like a cop!! She’s my boss’ daughter!! She…”

                “… Is your crush.” Raven finishes with wide eyes and a huge smile.

                For months now Raven has known Clarke has a huge crush on someone. Clarke had refuse to acknowledge said crush for a while but, after mush insistence from her roommate, she finally admitted said crush did exist. What she didn’t admit was who to was.

                That led to some arguing between the two friends, which ended up with Raven pissed at her and giving her the silent treatment for about a week and, finally, accepting she wouldn’t know it for a while.

                But the brunette never gave up. She would ask every now and then (always getting a no in return) and now, the sense of enlightenment is so evident in both Raven’s voice and face Clarke almost cringes.

                                Almost.

                “No, she isn’t!” She spats back as she turns around, not giving Raven the time to read the lie in her face like she always does. “You need to apologise to her. Now!”

                As per usual, the brunette completely ignores most of the rant.

                “Look me in the eyes and tell me she isn’t you crush, and I’ll go downstairs apologise.” The smug smile on Raven’s face is so annoying she feels like slapping it out of her.

                She stares right into Raven’s eyes, hoping to God she looks and sounds convincing enough.

                “She is _not_ my crush.” She says it with so much conviction she almost believes it herself.

                Unfortunately, if she doesn’t believe it herself, neither will Raven.

                “You’re lying, blondie.” She states after a few seconds. “You should have known better, you know. You can’t lie to me.” She adds, the smug smile never leaving her face.

                “So, you’re not gonna go apologise to her because I don’t admit to something you think it’s true. Is that it?” The blonde tiffs back, crossing her arms.

                Raven just shrugs.

                “I have nothing to apologise for.” She says, nonchalantly. “I haven’t done anything wrong. But you just proved my point.” She adds, like she in the final statements of an oral presentation.

                “Which is?”

                “You would never try and force me to apologise to anyone, babe.” She states, leaning in to the table where, just minutes ago, Lexa had been studying. “You and I both know I would never give in. You totally have the hots for this one. And they do say love is blind…” The last part is almost sung as in a storytelling.

                The blonde just groans and storms to her room, hearing Raven shouting from her back “That’s not a no, princess! And what about my massage?!”.

-.-.-.-

                Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for Ryder to arrive.

                “Weren’t you supposed to be upstairs?” He asks as soon as he’s close enough.

                “Got tired.” She shrugs. “Can we go now?” She asks as she starts to walk towards the subway entrance, not waiting for an answer.

                Ryder starts to walk behind her, but Lexa can sense the smirk in his face.

                “Why are you so mad?”

                “Not mad, just annoyed.” She shrugs. “My partner is noisy, and persistent, and…”

                “So, this has nothing to do with this being Clarke Griffin’s building?”

                She turns to him.

                “What?”

                “What? This is Reyes’s and Griffin’s place. We came here last month for a birthday party. Octavia invited us. I asked if you wanted to come, so don’t blame me for not knowing.”

                She does remember that. It was Octavia’s birthday and, since she lives with her parents and Lincoln lives with his family, the three friends decided to celebrate in the house where two of them lived, and most importantly, lived alone. Octavia, Lincoln and Ryder all tried to convince her to go, but she had declined, stating she barely knew the house owners. Truth was she not only didn’t want to get drunk in front of Clarke, she probably wouldn’t know half the people there, which would just add points to the awkward level of being in Clarke’s house.

                “So, is your partner Raven, or there happen to be two physics minor’s students living in this building?”

                “Reyes is in Applied Physics, actually.” She replies, sounding as indifferently a possible. “And something with robotics as well, I think.”

                As they reach the subway stairs, Lexa realises she made a mistake. She just admitted to have been in Clarke’s home. And now, Ryder is going to nag her so mush, she won’t be able to hide anything else. The moment he asks the question, she already knows he’s going to get his answer even before she responds.

                “So, was she there?”

                “She…”

                “I knew it!” He shouts, pumping a fist to the air, as if his favourite team just scored the winning goal. “Did you talk to her?”

                She decides to dodge the question.

                “Since when do we talk at all?” But she can’t muffle the disappointment in her voice a well as she would hope. Definitely not enough to deceive the person who knows her the best.

                “That’s not an answer, Woods. And don’t pretend you don’t wish you had enough balls to talk to her on a daily basis.”

                Lexa decides to let it pass, mostly because she can’t really argue with that. Though she would never admit that, of course.

                “We just said hi.” Once again, the sadness in her voice is noticeable. Though, this time she doesn’t bother to hide it. Not to Ryder at least.

                They sit down, waiting for the train to come. The station is practically empty, only a middle age man in a suit about 20 twenty feet away from them. She’s about to say the usual “I told you so” she always does in situations like this, but Ryder beats her to it.

                “I know, I know. You told me so.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “Don’t change the subject. All you two exchange was ‘hi’?

                “Yes.” This time, she does convince him. Mostly, because is partly true.

                _But I did make her laugh._ She decides to keep that detail to herself.

                “You know she would say yes if you ask her out, right?” He declares matter-of-factly.

                _Well, that’s a first._ She turns to him.

                “Why would you say that?”

                “It’s true, sis. She’s head over heels for you. She’s just probably too scared of you to ask you out.” He shrugs.

                 It’s not true. It can’t be true. She’s straight, right? He’s playing with her, for sure. Some sick lie to keep her guessing, or even worse, ask Clarke out only to be rejected.

                But Ryder wouldn’t do that. Anya may. Nyko as well. Emory probably too; but not Ryder. He knows better. He knows _her_ better.

                “I didn’t want to say anything.” He continues, as if apologising. “I know you take your time with this kind of things. But, for crying out loud, girl, you met her over a year and a half ago!”

                “And then what?” She spats, not even bothering to contain the poison in her voice. He should know better. “Assuming you’re right, and she goes out with me, and everything goes well, then what? We start dating, giving the best scenario? What about after that? Either I do something dumb and she breaks up with me, or she finds someone else, or she…” She can’t bring herself to say it. It hurts too much. She looks down, half defeated, half frustrated. “I won’t go through that again.” She whispers softly, as if she’s scared her words travel beyond the bench they’re sitting. Then, using the stoic voice she uses with everyone else, she states: “Either way, it will always end badly. It’s not worth the risk.” She gets up as she sees the train in the distance.

                Ryder gets up with her.

                “You can’t live your life like every girl you date is bond to get hit by a…”

                “If you praise your life, you won’t finish that sentence.” Her tone is calm and relaxed, but the authority in her voice as is undeniable as the not-so-subtle threat.

                He sighs.

                “Yes, Commander.” She half expects the sarcasm in his voice, but it’s not there. It’s just a statement; a simple fact, a way to say he’s there to protect her, no matter how many time she says she doesn’t need it. A way to say that, whenever she wants to talk, he will be there to listen.

                It’s amazing how, when you know someone well enough, two words can say all that. So, she responds with two other words that can mean the world to them.

                “Thank you.” She says, as they enter the train home.

 


	3. Talking forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke have their first real talk.
> 
> And Raven is as annoying as you'd expect.  
> except this time is for a good reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry i'm late!! i had a ton of work to do. it's the end of the semester and i have papers to deliver and presentations to prepare, and exams... a lot of work.
> 
> but this one is bigger!!  
> so, this time, Lexa and Clarke have an actual conversion.  
> Yay!!  
> and everyone is saying Raven is nuts and annoying (i agree :P ), so this time, you'll see why Clarke puts up with her (she's a good friend :) )
> 
> i hope you like it!  
> kudos are not mandatory, but appreciated! :D

# 3\. Talking forward

 

 

_Wednesday_

                Lexa presses bell the bell button and waits at the door. She didn’t see Raven in class today, but got a message from her saying their meeting still stands. She just hopes it’s not a prank from the other brunette. She hears a window open over her head and looks up, just in time to see blonde hair retracting from it.

                _Clarke?_

                Seconds later, the front door opens.

                “ _Raven is not here yet, but you can come up and wait here if you want._ ” Clarke’s voice says from the communicator. She’s about to answer when she remembers Raven saying something about a broken speaker, so she just goes in. What else can she do? Waiting outside just seems weird after Clarke invited her in, and going back home and coming back probably takes longer than it takes for Raven to arrive. She just hopes this won’t be too awkward… and that Raven arrives soon. (She never though she would ever think that).

                She climbs the tight stairs to the third floor and walks to the end of the hall.

                Apartment 307.

                She’s about to knock, but the door is partly open, so she just walks in to the living room. Once again, she can’t help but to be surprised by the… warmness of the whole space. It’s not a huge room, but somehow every single element of it brings a sense of life into the space. The TV is set to her right, with so many cables and consoles behind it she’s sure Raven had assembled it. Right behind the TV, the wall, previously blank, she assumes, is covered with a black and white drawing of a lone pyramid with stars above it. It’s so realistic, Lexa had doubts about being a print of an actual photo or not. To her front, a set of windows showing the street below is framed by a huge amount of pictures and charcoal drawings and doodles, with a couple of bean bags and a small cabinet full of books below. On the left side of the room, between two doors, a large red couch is placed against the wall, with a hot blonde lying there in sweatpants and tank top with the biggest notebook Lexa has ever seen in her hands. She rises her head from it once her hears the door open, blue eyes piercing her green ones.

                “Raven will be here in a minute.” She tells her, with a soft smile of her face. “She had an… emergency to take care of.” She turns her attention back to her notebook.

                Lexa looks around a bit more, trying to figure out what to do. _Well, it can’t get any more awkward, at least._

Clarke seems to notice her discomfort.

                “You know you can sit down while you wait, right?” She says, directing her head to the bean bags.

                She feels her face getting warmer as she goes to the other side of the room. _Just one more reason to hate Raven, I guess_.

                Raven should be here. That’s the time they had agreed. In her own house! How hard can it be to be on time at her own house?!

                “Clarke.” She calls her. Once the blonde turns, she continues. “Why is Raven late?” She puts so much annoyance present in her voice, she almost feels bad for the blonde. It’s not her fault, really. But this is awkward enough without the blonde thinking this is sort of a dream came true to her, being alone with the blonde, but also a bit of a nightmare, not being able to afford to enjoy the situation.

                She looks down to her books, biting her lip. She knows that’s her thinking face, but she can’t help but thinking how sexy that is. After a minute or so, she seems to make up her mind.

                “She had to go to the hospital. Her leg was acting up.” She tells her, adding: “In her defence, I was the one who forced her to go. If it was up to her, she would have limped to class.” She smirks to her, probably hoping for a smirk back, but Lexa doesn’t give it to her.

                Lexa doesn’t smile. That’s just the way it is. Smiling is bringing down a wall she needs up. Especially around Clarke. She can’t be weak around Clarke. She can’t afford it.

                The blonde seems to understand it, and her focus is back on her notebook. Lexa draws out her phone, but she doesn’t even put her pin before she hears the blondes voice again.

                “Can I ask you something?”

                She rolls her eyes. She can’t help it. Out of habit, probably.

                Usually, she would say ‘no’. But her conversation with Ryder maker her second guess herself. She can’t get close to Clarke, but she doesn’t want the blonde to hate her either. And what’s the harm with one question anyway?

                “Sure.” She decides, her eyes still fixed on the unlock screen.

                “Why are you in physics? Raven told me you were majoring in law, so why taking a minor in such an opposite theme? I mean, I get it if you do it when you start college, if you don’t know what you want yet, but taking it during the final years? It…” she stops the rambling suddenly, probably realising she was doing it, and Lexa can sense the embarrassment of the other girl. “I was just wondering…”

                Lexa smiles to herself. It’s a fair question.

                However, it’s also a personal one. And she knows is not wise to get personal.

                But the idea that comes to her head is too tempting to pass.

                “I’ll tell you if you tell me why you chose an Art minor.” She replies, looking away from her phone and to the blonde. She remembers that detail on her CV when she applied to the tattoo artist job. After hiring, she found out Clarke was actually in Med school, and that question had always bother her.

                Clarke thinks a little, before she gives her answer.

                “I’ve always wanted to be a doctor. But I always loved art as well. My dad always made sure I went through every possible area of interest when I was a kid, and… I don’t know, I just always love the way art turns the ordinary into beautiful. My mom said different interests would help getting into med school, so I chose what I loved to improve my application.” She smiles at Lexa, and the brunette feels her heart pumping out of her chest. “Your turn.”

                She takes a deep breath before speaking.

                “There’s not much to tell.” She says nonchalantly. “When I got into college, I could only afford pre law, so I just took the classes that would help me get into law school. But when I got into law school, I won a full scholarship, so I took advantage of it and studied what I like as well.”

                “So you don’t like law school?” Clarke asks, making Lexa cringe a bit. She never thought Clarke was dumb, but she never thought the blonde would pick that up from what she said either.

                “I’m good at it.” She answers honestly, knowing that it probably won’t satisfy Clarke.

                And sure enough…

                “That’s not what I asked.”

                She sighs. If Clarke is the kind of person she thinks she is, telling her the truth will lead to more questions. Lying won’t do because she could just answer that in the first place. Telling her to get back to her studies will sound rude. And usually she’s fine with being rude, she is known for being nothing if not rude, but Ryder’s talk keeps her from being so with Clarke. And she hates it because she would never act of her feelings, even if they are mutual (especially if they are mutual), but if they are (and fucking _Ryder_ made her believe they might be), being rude would only hurt Clarke.

                And besides, she can keep her distance without being rude, right?

                “I prefer physics. But I’m better at law.” She answers in a neutral tone, hoping Clarke would leave it there. There’s not much else to be said anyway.

                “Why not go for physics, if that’s what you love?”

                Lexa is half surprised this time around. Clarke looks like she is actually asking that.

                _But it’s obvious, isn’t it? I already said it._

                “I’m better at Law.”

                But the blonde still looks confused.

                “But you should do what you love, Lexa. Are you going to be unhappy all your life just because you think you should do what you are better at instead of what you love?”

                Lexa can’t help but to roll her eyes.

                _So, she really is a dreamer then._

                “I love soccer too. But if I’m not good enough to play professionally, then what’s the point of pursuing it? I will be a good lawyer. That’s what my talent is. I have a duty to use my talent the best I can. It doesn’t matter if you like it or not. If you are great at something, you have an obligation to be great at it.”

                Clarke just shakes her head.

                “But you can never be great doing something you don’t like, no matter how good you are at it.” She argues.

                “Of course you can. Enjoyment and duty are two things that are and should always be separate. If you don’t do your job properly just because you don’t enjoy it, that just makes you a poor professional.”

                “So, you’ll do your ‘duty’.” She says it like it’s a toxic word. “for the rest of your life, never truly being happy?”

                Lexa shakes her head.

                “Law doesn’t make me miserable, you know. Just because I like something more, doesn’t mean I will be sad doing something else for the rest of my life. Besides, happiness is overrated. And unnecessary.”

                Clarke looks at her incredulously.

                “How can you…?” She gets interrupted by the front door opening.

                “Hey. Sorry I’m late. That bitch on the couch forced me to go to the hospital.” Raven walks in, holding two crunches in her left hand.

                Clarke turns to her.

                “Aren’t you supposed to be walking _with_ those things?” She asks, frowning.

                “Aren’t you supposed to be studying?” The brunette lamely lays the churches beside the front door and limps to the kitchen. “Lexa, are you coming, or keep talking?

                Once Raven is gone, Lexa rolls her eyes and gets up. As she is about to cross the door to the kitchen, however, Clarke speaks again:

                “For the record, anyone that can keep up with Ravens quantic mumbo-jumbo is a very talented person.”

                She nods stoically and turns back to kitchen, but makes sure Raven still has her back turn to her before smiling.

                And honestly, Clarke just _kind of_ complemented her.

                Who wouldn’t smile?

                               

-.-.-.-

               

                After Lexa leaves (with no more than a ‘goodbye, Clarke’, which shouldn’t disappoint the blonde, but it does), Raven suggests ordering take out and, after some persuasion (“I went to the hospital because of you, the least you can do is to go get dinner”), Clarke ends up picking up Chinese from the end of the street.

                They sit on the couch with the package of noodles between them and Raven turns the TV on to search something on Netflix. After a few minutes of watching Two broke girls in silence, the question Clarke was dreading since Lexa left comes.

                Though it doesn’t come off exactly as a question.

                “So, you were talking to Lexa when I came in.”

                She sighs.

                “Not really.” She shrugs, hoping to pass a casual vibe. “She was just wondering why weren’t you here.”

                She’s convincing. She sounds convincing. So much so she’s almost proud of herself.

                She would be fully proud of herself hasn’t Raven’s laugh thrown her off.

                “What?”

                “First time I would actually believe one of your lies, and you waste it on something I already know is fake.” She laughs again, but continues before the blonde has the opportunity to ask what the hell is she talking about. “When I got to the door, I caught you two arguing about something. You could hear it from the hall. So, what’s up with that?”

                _God damn it!_ _Is there anything this bitch doesn’t know?!_

                Clarke wants nothing more than to slap the smug grin out of the brunettes face, but she knows she can’t. mostly because one of Raven’s arms is stronger than Clarkes entire body, and she’ll get hit back not half a second after.

                Never the less, she stands her ground.

                “We were talking about you. She thinks you’re smug and annoying and I can’t help to agree.” The blonde states as she crosses her arms.

                Raven is clearly not convinced, however.

                “Hu-huh. Sure you were.”

                They stay quiet until the end of the episode before Raven speaks again.

                “You know she like you, right?” She states as she chooses another episode. “Like _really_ like you?”

                This surprises the blonde.

                “What are you talking about?”

                “I noticed it on Monday. She didn’t talk to me the entire time. When I asked her something, she would either not answer or give me monosyllable responses. And everything I asked was about work. She even suggested that we work in silence. Yet, you come in, and suddenly, I hear her voice.” She states, as she witnessed some kind of miracle.

                Clarke just shrugs.

                “You were annoying her. She answered back. That’s what she does.”

                Raven shakes her head as she turns her body to the blonde, her brown eyes locking with the blue ones.

                “That’s what she does _around you_. Do you know how many times she told me to shut up and work? She wouldn’t even look at me!”

                “So what? That doesn’t mean anything! She has known me for a year and a half. She’s known you for two days.”

                Raven takes her phone out of her pocket, that fucking grin back on her face.

                “I thought about that, so after you went to bed on Monday, I texted Octavia. And luckily, Lincoln was there too.” She throws the phone to Clarkes lap.

                The blonde unlocks it and opens the message app, clicking on what she knows it’s Octavia’s conversation.

 

**Me (21:55): hey, bitch! I need to ask you something!** **J**

**LBBlake (21:59): Good evening to you too, Reyes!**

**Me (22:01): yeah, sure. Quick question: is Lexa gay?**

**LBBlake (22:04): not sure, let me ask.**

**LBBlake (22:06): Lincoln say yes.**

**LBBlake (22:07): He also asks why.**

**Me (22:09): Ask him if she likes Clarke.**

**LBBlake (22:14): Raven, it’s Lincoln. Why do you think that?**

**Me (22:15): Because your sister didn’t give two shits about me for 2 and a half hours and when Clarke walks into the kitchen, she starts answering me to make her laugh.**

**LBBlake (22:22): it’s not my place to say anything.**

**Me (22:23): that’s a yes!! :D**

**LBBlake (22:25): It’s not my place, Raven. And neither is yours. Leave her alone. I honestly don’t know if she likes Clarke or not. I don’t want to tell you yes or no because I don’t know. I have my suspensions, but I don’t know for sure. That’s why it’s not my place.**

**Me (22:28): One more thing. Tell Lexa that Griffin is bi. Just in case she wants to ask her out. #playingmatchmaker**

**LBBlake (22:31): she’ll rip out my head. Raven, I’m serious, don’t mess with Lexa.**

**Me (22:33): fine. But tell her anyway. Ask one of your gorilla brothers to do it they are too big to get their heads ripped off. See you two bitches tomorrow.**

**Me (22:34): Ps: sorry I ruined you sex night. #sorrynotsorry :P**

**LBBlake (22:37): Good night. And don’t use # on messages.**

 

                Clarke up from the phone to Raven, her eyes about to pop out of orbit. She had her suspensions about Lexa’s sexuality (after all, her gaydar had never betrayed her) but, being Lexa, she had never being sure. After all, from what the blonde has seen, the other girl pays as much attention to girls as she does to guys. Clarke always chose to think she was wrong. She believed, up until thirty seconds ago, she had a crush on a straight girl. And she could live with that.

                But Lexa _is_ gay. She just chose not to pay any attention to the blonde.

                That breaks her heart more than she would care to admit.

                Much less to Raven.

                “So, she’s gay. So what?” She shrugs and she returns the phone to its owner. “She still doesn’t want anything to do with me.” She tries. She really, _really_ tries to hide the pain in her voice.

                But she should know better.  To the brunette in front of her, she might as well have her thoughts written of her forehead.

                “You did read it all the way through, right?” Raven seems frustrated. “She likes you too, dummy!!” She exclaims, shaking her arm with both hands. “Ask her oooout!!” Raven’s smile is so contagious Clarke herself smirks for a bit, but it gets lost not half a second latter.

                “Lincoln say he _thinks_. He’s not sure. And he’s part of her family! If she did like me, after a year and a half, the way they are close, don’t you think all of them would know by now? It’s never gonna happen, Raven.” She starts to get up, but Raven pulls her down to the couch.

                “Ten bucks as she says yes.”

                “Raven…” She tries to get up again, but the brunette is not having it.

                “Twenty.” She offers, pulling her back down.

                “How is that supposed to work out for me? I work with her! It’ll be even more awkward when she says ‘no’!”

                “Thirty! Please, Clarkie!” She’s practically begging by now.

                “Why do you care so much?”

                “Because I’m tired to see you sad and hear you masturbate to what now I know it’s her.” Clarke cringes as the words are said. It’s not like she doesn’t know that Raven hears it. She hears Raven too (both alone and with other people). But her knowing what Clarke thinks about while doing it just make it a whole lot more embarrassing. “And I would like to work with a partner that doesn’t have a broom up her ass. Maybe you can take it out.” She shrugs, her usual grin back on.

                Clarke glares at her, but that only makes her continue.

                “And maybe put it somewhere else…”

                “Raven!” She yells as she hits her in the arm.

                “Forty bucks as she says ‘yes’. She’ll be here tomorrow to finish our assignment. She’ll probably still be here by the time you get home.” The brunette gets up without waiting for the answer. Before she reaches the door that leads to the rooms, however, she turns around and adds. “When I win, if you need the forty bucks for the date, I take my payment as a massage to my leg every day for a month.” She smiles (not the usual grin, a kind smile the brunette reserves only to the ones she loves the most) and walks into the hall. “Night, Clarkie! Some of us have to wake up early.” She hears once she can’t see Raven anymore.

                It’s only after she hears the room door close that she makes up her mind.

                ‘Life only exists if you’re brave’, her father used to say.

                Then brave she will be.

                “Two weeks!” She shouts back to the room as she presses play on the pilot of some new show she doesn’t know.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so, did you like it??  
> tell me what would you like to see next. i haven't started chapter 4 (i already know what's going to happen, but i haven't started yet) and i need some inspiration. i already have the guidelines in my head, but the little details, and the connections between everything are really hard for me to write. this one will probably take a little longer (since i didn't start yet), but i'll try to update by December 10. my country has 2 holidays in between, so i'll probably have time to write. no promises, though!! :P  
> comment anything that you would like to see in the story (even little details you would like to see)
> 
> hope you're liking it so far!!  
> see ya next time!! :D


	4. It takes guts... and threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tries to find courage to ask Lexa on a (sort of) date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SOOOOO SORRY!! I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!  
> this last weeks have been crazy!! the last two weeks of school (so, 3 assignments, 2 oral presentations and an exam, the usual) + family problems completely destroyed my brain (what was left of it). and i still have 3 final in January (ps: don't study in Portugal if you like having Christmas instead of spending it studying).
> 
> i wanted to write more, but i didn't want you to think i gave up on the story. i won't, i promise. it might take time, but i will finish this!! :D
> 
> this time I won't even promise a deadline. with exams and all that, i'm not sure when i'll be writing (+ i'm a slow writer). all i can say is that next chapter is one that i really want to write.
> 
> this doesn't have much, but i hope you enjoy anyway.

# 4\. It takes guts and... threats

 

 

 

         

 

                Clarke just wants to go home.

                She was supposed to be home two hours ago.

                She would be home already if it wasn’t for the guy with weird skin she has been tattooing for the last five hours. Normally, a tattoo this size would take just under three hours (black and grey, on the shoulder, gears and cables, so not very complicated…). But, for some reason, it was taking a lot more swipes than usual on the skin for the ink to stick.

                “Is this going to take much longer?” The guy asks. He’s a huge bald man with absolutely no tattoos, and Clarke understood the why way too late. He hasn’t complained much throughout though, so she guesses she can’t exactly complain either. It’s worse when they’re moving and talking all the time.

                Nonetheless, Clarke can’t help but to be pissed. She was supposed to be home. She wanted to meet Lexa there (if anyone asks, however, it’s because of her final tomorrow). She wanted to ask her out as quickly as possible (mostly because she didn’t want to lose her courage). She had the perfect occasion. It wouldn’t even be an actual date (not at first anyway). She wouldn’t be able to say no…

                And now, she’s probably gone already. And all because of this idiot on her chair.

                “Almost done. Just a couple more details.” She answers. _Just a few more shades and I get to go home_. She just hopes she can make it quick, though. She’s tired.

                At least, she’s not alone on her suffering. Even though the store closes in an hour, all five artists are still tattooing, and there’s even a few people waiting. Usually, on a Thursday afternoon, they’re all seated on Lincoln’s booth, since it’s the closest to the front door, talking and goofing around. Clarke is not even there most Thursdays. And she was supposed to leave at five.

                _What’s up with people today?_

                Finally, she’s done.

                “Ok, we’re done.” She says, wiping the skin one last time before she lets the guy stand up to go to the mirror. As she stands up as well, she can feel the weight of five hours down her body. Her back is killing her.

                “Oh, man. That is sick, blondie!” The bald guy says, grinning at the mirror.

                She can’t help but to smile. She loves it when people are happy with her work.

                And, honestly, who doesn’t?

                “Thanks. And the name is Clarke, by the way.” She’s pretty sure she said her name to him before, but to be fair, she doesn’t remember his name either.

                _G something, maybe?_

                He turns back to her, his head hoovering a foot over Clarke’s.

                “Sure, sorry. Thanks, Clarke.” He raises his hand and she shakes it. Maybe staying late wasn’t all that bad.

                They both head to the register. As she gets the money from the guy, she notices a shiny black hair on Luna’s table, getting a tribal pattern on her forearm.

                _Octavia?_

                When did she get here?

                “O?”

                The brunette turns her head and smiles when her icy blue eyes spot the blonde.

                “Hey, Griffin! Asked her out yet?”

                Both Clarke, Luna and Lincoln, how is just a few feet away, react at the same time.

                “What?!” The all shout, scaring half the people in the store, including the guy laid on Lincoln’s table.

                “Sorry, man.” He says, as he restarts working, not paying any more attention to the girls, but clearly a bit tenser.

                “How do you know about…?” The blonde stars, but Octavia cuts her off.

                “Rae told me about your bet this morning.”

                “What bet?” Asks Luna, half curious, half suspicious. The blonde can see from the corner of the eye Lincoln stiffening even more.

                Octavia turns back to the artist and responds before Clarke can say anything,

                “Raven bet with blondie over there that Lexa would say yes if she asked her out.”

                “I told her to stay out of it.” Lincoln mumbles, more to himself than to the rest of them. But Clarke answers him anyway.

                “And since when does Raven do what she’s told? Besides, I’m just going to ask her to come to dinner with us tomorrow.” She sighs, looking at her father’s clock. “Or I would, if I had left on time.”

                “She’s coming here, you know.” Luna says with a sweet smile, completely ignoring the death glares her brother is throwing at her. “Gus asked her to go over the bills. You can ask her then. She probably won’t take long.”

                “No.” Lincoln stops his machine for a minute. “Don’t mess with Lexa. Just leave her be. You don’t…” He stops suddenly, and Clarke takes a few seconds to realise the reason.

                Luna is glaring at him so intensely one would think she was trying to shoot laser vision to the other side of the street. Not half a second later, she’s looking at Clarke with her usual sweet smile.

                “Ask her. Don’t worry about what he says.”

                She has to wait almost half an hour for Lexa to show up on the store (doing two really small tattoos to a newly wedded couple in the meantime). And that’s plenty of time for her to chicken out. She can’t do it. What was she thinking? Lexa would never say yes!! And her siblings are coming tomorrow too! If she said no to them, what chance does she have?

                The brunette nods to her like she always does as she’s saying goodbye to the couple and that makes it for her. She’s not going to do it. Fuck Raven. She can take mockery from her better than humiliation from Lexa. Clarke is about to leave when she feels a hand on her shoulder.

                Octavia.

                _Obviously._

                “Either you ask her or I’ll tell her you chickened out.” She threatens. She hears Luna laughing and rolls her eyes. Even if Octavia doesn’t do it, Luna sure as hell will.

                She walks to the back of the store, her heart pounding in her chest. How the hell is she going to do this?! And how did her friends put her up to that?! She really needs to find new ones.

                She almost loses her courage as soon as the lays eyes of the beautiful brunette sitting in front of Gustus’ desk. She hasn’t notice her yet, so it would be a perfect time to escape.

                But as she turns around, she hears Lexa’s voice.

                “Do you need anything, Clarke?”

                She almost cringes as she turns back to the brunette.

                Fucking Raven. Fucking O. Fucking Luna.

                They got her into this. How the hell is she going to get out?

                Her palms start to sweat, and she feels her face getting warmer. _What the hell is wrong with me?_  So, she blurs it out, all her careful planning thrown out the window.

                “Do you wanna come with us to dinner tomorrow?” The question comes out so fast she doubts Lexa caught half of it.

                And sure enough…

                “What?”

                _Ugh_. She needs to keep it together. How I she so direct and controlled with everyone and sound like a complete idiot in front of Lexa?

                She takes a deep breath and pretends she’s speaking to Raven (minus the cursing and constant insults of course).

                “We’re going to have a big dinner tomorrow to celebrate the end of the semester. We’ll probably go to a club after. Do you want to come with us?”

 

-.-.-.-

 

                Lexa looks down to her papers. Yes, she wants to go. She wants to have dinner with Clarke, even if they are surrounded by the morons and idiots that are her family and Clarke’s friends.

                But she knows she can’t. Her sibling already asked her, and she had said ‘no’. She can’t get close to Clarke. A conversation is fine, but dinner, even with a large group, would make it personal.

                “I’m not really into that kind if things.” She says, hiding her sadness as best as she can.

                “Oh, c’mon, Lexa! What else are you going to do on a Friday night? Especially on the first night after the end of school?!” Clarke sounds mush more in control now, like she planed all of this.

                But it doesn’t matter.

                She shrugs.

                “I don’t know. Pizza and Netflix?” It was meant to be a joke, but now that she thinks about it, it’s not such a bad idea.

                But Clarke is clearly not of the same opinion.

                “Are you kidding me?! This is your first night of freedom and you’re just going to stay home like every other day?!”

                “Yes.” She answers, hoping to put an end to the conversation. She wants to say ‘yes’ as much as Clarke wants to hear it, and if she insists, she’ll probably crack.

                And that absolutely _can’t_ happen.

                But Clarke doesn’t give up easily.

                “Oh, c’mon! Just come to dinner with us! It’ll be fun! Some of them are leaving right after dinner. You can leave with them if you’re bored or something.”

                She looks up to Clarke, ready to decline, and realises her mistake a millisecond too late. She looks so hopeful. How can she say no to that smiley face?

                _It’s just dinner. With friends. It can’t hurt._ She’ll probably just be with her family anyway.

                “You know what? Sure. It might be fun.”

                “Really?” Clarke looks so surprised it almost makes her laugh.

                “Sure. Just dinner, though.” She adds. No way in hell she’s going to put herself inside a club.

                Clarke looks ecstatic, and Lexa has to put a real effort not to smile at the blonde.

                “Great! Rosco’s at 7, ok?” She doesn’t wait for the answer, though, almost hopping out of the room.

                _It’s just dinner with friends,_ she thinks to herself as her attention returns to her papers, _what can possibly go wrong?_

                She wouldn’t admit it to anybody, but she can’t wait for tomorrow night.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hope you liked it (probably not, i understand, i will write the date as soon as possible).
> 
> please leave kudos, it makes me smile. :D
> 
> and comment. i really love to read feedback and i want to make this as good as possible, but my brain isn't great and i need help.
> 
> anyway, Marry Christmas!!


	5. Harsh and nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm such a bad person!!  
> i'm soooooooooo so so so so sorry!!  
> so, between exams is January, returning to classes in February, a trip to Amsterdam, several birthdays, family problems, getting myself an internship for the summer (it's mandatory for my degree), and a true lack of inspiration, i found this chapter very hard to write. i don't know why. i just did.
> 
> but here it is!!  
> Hope you like it.  
> i won't give up on this fic!! :D

# 5\. Harsh and nice

 

             

## 5- Harsh and nice

 

                Clarke is tired.

                And late.

                And on the edge of a panic attack.

                And Raven is being as helpful as ever.

                “Move your ass, blondie!! We were supposed to be there already!”

                Clarke groans.

                “Coming! Will you just let me tie my shoes?” _What’s the rush anyway? We’re ten minutes late. Fifteen, tops._ She’s not really trying her shoes, but saying to Raven she’s retouching her makeup for the third time it’s not a save choice for one who enjoys breathing. She really wants to nail it, the outfit, the makeup, the hair, everything, no matter how late she is. Better late than poorly dressed.

                But Raven doesn’t seem to agree.

                “Your shoes should already be tied half an hour ago! Hurry up!!” She shouts as Clarke opens the bathroom door.

                “Ok, I’m here. Let’s go.” She says, heading for the front door, where Raven lying against, a frustrated look on her face, that changes of a millisecond as she checks the blonde out (which Clarke can’t help but to be a little proud of). She is wearing a navy-blue dress tight in all the right places (specially her chest, which is the main focus of Raven’s stare, she notices with a smug smile). Along with the light makeup and the high leather boots, she’s confident she’ll make Lexa at least look twice.

                “Tying your shoes, my ass!” Raven complains, looking at the boots. “What the hell were you doing?”

                Suddenly, she feels Raven’s hand pulling her arm and dragging her out the door.

                “Forget it, blondie. Let’s move. We’re late.”

 

                They arrive at the restaurant 20 minutes later, with Clarke panting a little at the speed Raven made her “walk”. It was a nice Italian place where they went every time their little group had a special occasion. It had the advantage of, with big groups, costumers pay per person and eat as much pizza and pasta as they can.

                As they enter the place, it’s made clear of what table is theirs. In the far end of the room, 13 very loud people occupying a huge table are making themselves known. As the host takes the two girl to the large group, Raven… Well, Raven has to be Raven.

                “What’s up, bitches?!”

                Clarke smiles and shakes her head. Raven will always be Raven. The brunette sits between Octavia’s brother Bellamy and Luna, which leaves one chair vacant at the far end of the table, next to Emory and in front of…

                _Lexa_

                The girl seems to be the soberest (or pretty much the only sober one) of the group. Wearing a simple blue flannel shirt and her hair in a ponytail,  she also doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself as much as mush as the rest. The seat next to her is only occupied by a light brown leather jacket (Anya’s for sure), who’s owner is standing with an empty glass on her hand, laughing at something with Linc and O, and Emory seems to be more interested in Murphy next to her than her sister.

                The brunette is just standing there, wine glass full and untouched, playing with her phone, not paying any attention at what the drunk idiots are doing. Clarke almost feels bad for the poor woman.

                She sits down, but the brunette doesn’t even look up, so she decides to make herself known.

                “What’s on your phone that’s so interesting you ignore everyone else?”

                Lexa looks away from her phone with the same stoic face she always puts on.

                “What’s so interesting about drunken idiots that I need to take my eyes off my phone?” She asks back, giving the blonde a little smirk that disappears so fast Clarke is not sure she even saw it.

                “Touché.”  She smiles to the girl, but only gets a small nod in return. “So, what made you come?” She continues, before those green eyes lay back on the device on the girl’s hands.

                Lexa makes a half confused, half frustrated look.

                “You ask me to come, remember?”

                “I meant why did you say yes? You know, since I’m sure Luna and Lincoln had asked you before I did. And by the look on your face, I’m pretty sure you knew you were going to be bored.”

                The brunette sighs.

                “Honestly, after I said ‘yes’ to you, I almost changed my mind.” She says. “I only came because Anya said she would pay for my dinner.”

                Clarke tries her best to keep the disappointment out of her face.

                “Oh.”

                Apparently, she doesn’t do a great job.

                “A big group of morons drinking their brains out is not really my type of fun.” She continues to explain.

                “So, pizza and Netflix sounds better?”

                “Actually, yes.”

                Clarke looks down immediately, trying her best to not let the girl in front of her to see the sadness in her face, and her eyes land on her still empty glass.

                _If this is all I can get for the night, I’m gonna need a drink._

                She takes the wine bottle next to her, pores it without even looking what kind of wine is, and drinks it all in one go, almost choking a bit in the process at the taste of white wine.

                _Why did it have to be white?_

                She hears Lexa’s scornful laugh and immediately wants to hide under the table. Now, not only she looks disappointed because of the brunette’s words, it also appears as she can’t handle her drink, AND that she drinks off her frustrations (that last one is half true, at least at this very moment, but the last thing she wants is for Lexa to know that).

                “Can’t handle your liquor, blondie?” Lexa asks, with a devious grin on her face.

                Her face is getting hotter by the millisecond, and she stares down at the once again empty glass.

                “I hate white wine.” She explains.

                “Then why did you pore it?” She asks, seemingly confused.

                “Didn’t notice.” Clarke mumbles, half hoping the brunette doesn’t hear it.

                But, to her surprise, she doesn’t hear Lexa’s laugh once again. As she looks up back to the brunette, she notices a sort of weird grin in her lips. Mockery maybe? No. Lexa doesn’t mock. Right?

It kind of makes her question.

                “What? What is it?”

                “You were so desperate for a drink you didn’t even notice it was something you didn’t like? I’m just wondering what compelled you to make such a reckless decision.”

                Clarke looks down, blood ruching through her cheeks.

                And she’s pretty sure it’s her blush that makes Lexa continue.

                “So, what’s the reason, Clarke? Nervousness? Boredom?” she leans in, her left elbow on the table and her head resting on a closed fist. “Disappointment?” She whispers in an almost seductive voice.

                Wait a second. Seductive?!

                _This is not like Lexa._ Lexa is distant, cold, stoic. If there was any emotion within her, and Clarke is sure there are, (or she hopes there are anyway), they would never pass the surface of her skin. The exception is made when, at the shop, she makes fun of her siblings. On those rare moments, a small grin would appear of her full lips every now and then, only to disappear not a second latter.

                _She’s just making fun of me,_ Clarke realises, and never before her disappointment has been greater. Lexa doesn’t like her. Lincoln is wrong. If she liked her, she would never make fun of her. Specially about feelings the brunette must at least suspect by now.

                “Well, maybe you should’ just said ‘no’. I mean, is paid dinner really worth the boredom? Maybe you shouldn’t have bother yourself to come. If you didn’t want to, you could just save it. There’s no need if you’re here just to make fun of me for asking. You could have done that when I came to the office and save yourself the trouble. I already regret it, so there’s really no need for all this.” She gets up. Glass still on her hand, she walks behind Raven, who has a half empty jar of sangria in front of her. She takes the jar, completely ignoring Raven glare, and pores herself some, drinking it in one go, only to pore some more, this time, leaving the glass full.

                “You owe me 40 buck.” She whispers to Raven’s ear.

                As she turns to go back to her seat, she feels her empty hand being pulled. She turns to see Raven guiding her to the bathroom, barely giving her time to put the glass down. When they enter, Raven sits on the washstand, looking confused as hell.

                “What do you mean? She’s here. You…”

                “She didn’t want to come.” The blonde interrupts. “She’s only here because Anya is paying her dinner. She even made fun of me.” Her voice cracks a bit in the end, and she doesn’t even bother to muffle it; Raven will know. She always does. “You’re wrong, Raven. And so is Lincoln. She does…”

                “No way, blondie. I’m never wrong. She likes you.”

                “Well, then, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

                Raven is about to answer when they are interrupted by the girl in question.

                “Clarke can I talk to you?” She asks, completely ignoring Raven.

                Raven completely ignores her as well and stares at Clarke, waiting for an answer. The blonde nods and Raven jumps to the ground and leaves, glaring at the other brunette in the process.

                “I’m sorry if I offended you.” Lexa starts, the stoic expression never leaving her face. “That wasn’t my intention.”

                “Then what was your intention?” Clarke doesn’t even care that she sounds angry. She wants Lexa to know it. She doesn’t know exactly why she wants that, but right now, it’s all she sees.

                Lexa sighs, losing the stoic expression for a moment.

                “Look, I’m not good at these social things. I don’t know how to be around people for the sake of it, so I usually just don’t do it. I mean, you ask me out, and I say three sentences to you, and all of the sudden, you’re pissed at me. And rightfully so. I’m not a nice person, so people usually don’t like me. And that’s fine because I usually don’t like people either.” She locks eyes with the blonde, green on blue, sky on ground. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. It wasn’t my intension.” She repeats, this time with a more apologetic mien.

                What’s annoying is that she looks like she means it.

                She really wanted to be mad at her. She deserves it. She can’t talk to people like that.

_But how can I stay mad at those green puppy eyes?_

                “Why do you hate people so much?” Clarke asks, trying to change the subject. She decides not to say she forgives her. Apparently, the brunette is nicer when she thinks the blonde is mad at her.

                Lexa chuckles, but the blonde catches a glimpse of gratitude in those green eyes.

                “I don’t hate them; I just don’t really get along with new people. Like I said, I’m not a nice person.”

                “But why not? I’m sure you can be nice. I mean, you sort of have to, if you want to be a lawyer.”

                Lexa smiles a little at that, a small smile, almost inexistent, but Clarke sees it, and suddenly, asking the brunette to come isn’t such a bad idea. Hell, if she sees her smiling at something she said, she doesn’t even care about what happens for the rest of the night.

                “I can, but it does take some effort, and why would I? if it’s someone I don’t know, don’t care or don’t need, why would I make that effort?”

                For some reason, this bothers Clarke.

                “So, you’re just rude to everyone because you can’t be bothered to be nice?”

                “Not everyone.” She stares back into Clarke’s eyes with such intensity she almost blushes.

                Almost because the bathroom door opens and Octavia peeks in.

                “Sorry to interrupt, but the food is here.” She announces, her shit-eating smile so annoying the blonde feels like punching it out of her face.

 

                While their friends do their best to push the limits of the manager without getting kicked out, the two girls do small talk with each other while eating pizza. From Marvel to politics, they both make sure to keep it as impersonal as possible. They end up out of the mess their friends are (except for the few occasions when Raven filled the blondes glass full and made her drink it all in one go) and have a really nice time (a bit to Clarke’s, and no doubt Lexa’s, surprise).

                By the end of the night, only Lexa, Bellamy and Lincoln were moderately sober.

                And, to Ravens utter disappointment, Clarke is just a little tipsy.

                “Drink up, blondie!” She shouts, pushing a beer between her boobs. “You’re clearly not trashed enough to the club.”

                She holds the beer before Raven drops it, bit doesn’t take a sip. She doesn’t feel like drinking beer right now. Also, she doesn’t really feel like going to club right now.

                That feeling is only enhances when Lexa speaks.

                “That’s my cue. I’m gonna go home, guys. Good night.” She turns to the route and lifts her hand to signal a cab, but fortunately, Anya grabs it and pulls her sister back to the group before Clarke does ( _that would’ve been embarrassing_ ).

                “Oh, no. No way you’re leaving, Lex.” She states, as if it’s known obvious fact, like the earth is round, or New York is a loud city, which makes Clarke try really hard to hide her smile.

                The brunette just rolls her eyes.

                “I promised you dinner. We had dinner. I don’t like clubs, so I’m going home. Now.” She responds, using the exact same tone as her sister, but sounding much more convincing, giving her clear state of sobriety, especially when compared to Anya.

                Clarke is about to comment on it, saying they don’t need to go to some club, they could just stay home doing whatever the brunette like (and probably humiliate herself in the process), when Lincoln comes to the rescue.

                “Oh, c’mon, Lex! You can’t go home now! It’s Friday night! We should go out with us! Besides, I promised Nyko I would bring everyone home in one piece, and that’s not going to work if you detach yourself from the group.” He argues, and then, crosses his arms as if there’s no way she can overcome his arguments. Meanwhile, Clarke sees Octavia looking at her, as if she’s trying to figure something out.

                She seems to find it (it’s amazing how observant the girl is when she’s drunk), because, as Lexa is about to answer her brother, the little brunette intervenes.

                “Why don’t we all go to Clarke and Raven’s apartment instead?” She proposes.

                “Ha?” Both roommates ask. The last thing they want is their apartment trashed by drunk people. Again.

                The difference is that, to the blonde, it’s all worth it if she gets to spend some extra hours with Lexa.

                “Yeah.” Octavia continues. “I mean, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d rather buy a shit ton of booze at the liquor store and get even more drunk playing beer pong and watching horror movies than go to some club half an hour away where I’m too broke to pay for drinks. What do you say?”

                Everyone (except for Murphy and Emory, who are just resting against the wall, flirting more than they should have been able to in their state) looks at each other as if waiting for confirmation, and suddenly, all eyes were in the two friends who happen to live in the place in question. They look at one another, Raven glaring at the blonde, while Clarke pleads with her eyes. This is the only chance she’s got. There’s no way she’s going to waist it.

                “You know what?” Raven starts. “Fine. I’d rather go straight to bed after getting trashed than drag myself inside a cab to hopefully get home save anyway.”  She turns back to Clarke. “What do you say, blondie?” The brunette shows a little sideway smile, just enough so only Clarke could see.

                She smiles back, but it fades once she looks at Lexa.

                She’s sure she doesn’t want to come. She said it herself: she only came because Anya paid her dinner, and sure as hell that’s not going to work now, is it? She doesn’t drink!

                However, the look on the brunette’s face makes her second guess herself. She looks… indecisive?

                Fortunately, a very drunk Jasper, keeping himself up due mostly to the support that a slightly less drunk Monty is giving him, has a bright idea.

                “What are we waiting for? Let’s move, people!” He points to the end of the street. “To the palace!”

                About half of them (including all five siblings) look at him as if he just lost his mind, while the other half just laughs. Clarke, however, is just frustrated. _Can’t they just let it go?_

                “The palace?” Luna asks, holding Lexa’s arm, who was trying to make an escape to call a cab, Clarke notices (and can’t help but to be a little disappointed).

                “Of course!” Jasper answers, as if it’s obvious. “It’s where princesses live, isn’t it?” He gives her his usual goofy smile before turning to the end of the street. “Let’s go!” He shouts, leading Monty, Murphy, Harper, and most of them out the street.

                “Hey, Jasper?” Clarke calls.

                “What?” He says, that smile still on her face.

                “You’re walking the wrong way.” And she walks off in the opposite direction, followed by two hysterically laughing Raven and Octavia, as well a slightly smiling Lexa, which kinda made her night (again).

-.-.-.-

                As she’s siting on the floor, covered by thick blanket, watching Insidious with the rest of the group, Lexa is sure she’s on the verge of freaking the fuck out.

                They’re about two thirds into the movie, and she can’t help but to wonder how the hell did she get here in the first place.

                After leaving the restaurant, they walked to Raven and Clarke’s home, Luna’s arm always tightly wrapped around hers to make sure she didn’t leave. They stopped briefly in the liquor store, apparently to make sure they had enough booze to at least five college parties (“It’s still less money than what we would’ve spent getting drunk at a club” Jasper had said), before they went upstairs, all fifteen of them with their hands full.

                Once they reached the apartment, Raven and Jasper proposed some drinking games, idea that was quickly dismissed by the sober squad Lincoln and Bellamy, who suggested watch a horror movie first.

                And for that, Lexa made a mental note to slay his ass next time they went to the gym together.

                Lexa hates horror movies. She doesn’t see the point of getting scared on purpose (she would never admit it to anyone, but she got scared over ghosts, psicho killers and demons more often than not. She was just good at hiding it).

                And to make it all worse, her lovely siblings and Clarke’s lovely friends made them sit next to each other!

                There is another jump-scare on the screen and Lexa can’t help but to shake a little. She grabs her beer and lifts it to her lips before Jasper has time to say anything.

                Afraid someone might sleep, him, Anya and Raven had managed to sneak a drinking game into the movie: every time you shudder, you drink. Fortunately, Lexa disguises herself well enough to just have one half empty beer bottle in front of her, even though she trembled enough to drink at least three times that.

                She should have left when she could. Hell, she should have never come in the first place! Why the hell did she listen to Anya? Why did she say yes to Clarke? How did she ever think this was a good idea?

                Of course, she knows why.

                She has a crush on the gorgeous blonde, so she didn’t think of every possibility. She didn’t think of what could go wrong. She just went with it because she doesn’t want to make Clarke sad or something. She knew this would’ve happened. She should’ve stick to the plan of looking threatening and distant to keep the blonde away. She tried her best to ignore and/or avoid her and it had worked beautifully until now: polite nods, no smiles, ranting her siblings at the shop when she’s around to make her laugh while paying no attention to her (because she just can’t resist that smile. Who can blame her?). it worked so beautifully she never thought the other girl had the courage to talk to her.

                But something changed.

                Thanks to a certain assignment, Clarke suddenly had the chance (and guts) to speak to her (no doubt Raven had a finger on that).

                And latter, invite her to dinner.

                _How did I lose control of the situation so rapidly?_

                She loses her line of thought after another jump-scare, this time, making her jump for real. _This is what you get for losing focus,_ she thought while taking a sip of her drink, which proved to be a more difficult task that it should.

                She’s shaking a bit, she realises.

                She’s scared.

                _Of course I’m scared, I’m watching a fucking horror movie, for God’s sakes! That’s the damn point!_

                But it’s more than that.

                Her heart and mind are racing. She’s sweating and shallow breathing and…

                _Oh no. Not here._

                She’s panicking. She’s seriously having a panic attack in the middle of a living room full of drunken idiots with their eyes glued to the TV. This really can’t be worse.

                She tries to get up and, remembering where Raven said the bathroom was, she heads to the corridor. She hears Jaspers protests (something about the best part of the movie, and drink it all to leave), but she doesn’t really pay attention to it. She just knows she can’t stay here another minute. In the hallway, she enters her first room on the right and closes the door with her back, while sliding down to sit on the floor.

                _This can’t be happening,_ she thinks as she buries her head in her knees, _this can’t be happening. Not here._

                She tries her hardest to take deep breaths, to slow her mind down, but it’s useless. All she can think about is those people in the living room, who by now are probably thinking she either a freak or sacred of a dumb horror movie. And that just makes her stress even more.

                _Breath. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… just breath, Lexa. Breath. God, this can’t be happening._

Suddenly, she feels a knock on the door.

                “Lexa?” Clarke’s voice makes her look up to the dark bathroom. She didn’t even remember to turn on the lights. She can’t see shit, which only adds to the panic. “Are you ok?” She continues.

                She tries to even her breathing so she can talk.

                “Can I be in the bathroom in peace, or there’s a problem with that?” In order for her voice not to shake, her request came out harsher than she intended, but, or the other hand, if it would lead to Clarke leaving, it would be fine. She just needs to be alone to calm down.

                But, to her surprise, she hears a muffled laugh.

                “No problem, Lexa. But that’s not the bathroom. That’s my room.” She hears the smile in her voice and can’t help but to shiver.

                _Clarke is laughing at me._

Somehow, that makes her stress ever more.

                “Just leave!” She shouts. It wasn’t meant to be a shout, but by now, she can’t help it. She feels tears streaming down her face, and it’s embarrassing, and scary, and… “Just leave me alone, Clarke! Please.” She begs, and can’t contain the sob muffled into the last word. That makes her low her head again in shame. _This is not going to get better, is it?_

                She feels a strong push on her back, like Clarke is trying to open the door by force.

                _No, no, no, no, no,_ she thinks as she feels the bang again. _Just stay outside, Clarke.  Please!_ She feels herself sliding as the door is open just enough for the blonde to get in. The lights are turned on, hurting her eyes and making her stress even more.

                “Turn it off!” She cries, closing her eyes and hiding her head between her knees.

                “Sorry!”

                The lights are tuned off again, as well as the door, making her lose her back support. She hears Clarke sitting right in front of her, and feels the blonde’s hands on either side of her, holding her arms.

                “It’s ok, Lexa.” She whispers in a soft, reassuring voice. “It’s just you and me here. You’re gonna be ok.”

                She slides her hands up and down her arms, and, to her amazement, it’s actually calming her mind. Slowly, but it is.

But she’s still shaking… and heavy breathing… and (to her utter embarrassment) crying.

Clarke seems to notice this.

                “Just follow my breathing, ok?”

                Lexa doesn’t answer, but tries to do as she’s told (which is a challenge on its own), since Clarke seems to know what she’s doing. It takes a while, but eventually she’s back to normal, and she lifts her head, trying to see the girl in front of her. A shadow surrounded by golden reflections it’s all she can distinguish.

                “Do you want to tell me?” Clarke asks in a whisper. “Or just go back to the group and pretend you went to the bathroom and I went to pick another blanket?”

                She doesn’t want to explain. She wants to go back to the living room, tell everyone she’s feeling sick and go home.

                And she can still do that. But she does own Clarke an explanation after invading her room and yelling at her for no apparent reason.

                However, she needs to get a few things straight first.

                “What did they say when I left?”

                “Jasper was upset because you didn’t drink the whole beer, Bell wandered where you went. Lincoln told them both to shut up and that you were probably just feeling sick because of the dinner. The rest just took that as a plausible explanation and went back to the movie.”

                “Then why are you here?” She sounds demanding and harsh, but she must in order to have the control she needs over the conversation.

                “Well…” She starts. Her hand heave’s Lexa’s arm to rest on the blonde’s neck.

“Well?” Lexa insists.

“The movie was almost over, and you didn’t come back… I was… sort of…”

“Yes?” She asks, against all her senses, hoping for a specific answer she wishes the blonde doesn’t give her.

_Say it._

_Don’t say it._

_Say it._

“I was worried about you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, what did you think?  
> please comment on what should happen next (i have the story lined up, but i need help with the fillers, like his one). also what you think it will happen next (from the stuf i have planed)  
> also, leave kudos. if feels nice. :)
> 
> see you next time!!  
> i'll promise I'll be faster. :D


	6. Never did ever this game go well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the follow up to the night out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  
> I'm horrible!! but exams just ended 2 days ago!! YEAHHHH. so, i have no more school until september (i have an internship on August, but i'm not sure how mush work i'll have yet), so hopefully i'll have more time to write.
> 
> Again, i can't stress this enough: I'M A VERY SLOW WRITER, BUT I WILL FINICH THIS!!
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy.  
> PS: i already started writing 7th.

# 6\. Never did ever this game go well

 

 

                They stay a few (very long) minutes in silence, Lexa processing what she just heard and Clarke searching something on her phone (or, at least, pretending she is), Lexa looks up. Through the dim light of the device, she can see the blush creeping on the blonde’s face. Weirdly, that makes her feel a little bit better. She hates feeling vulnerable and helpless and, as selfish as it is, Clarke’s embarrassment makes her feel a little less isolated.

                However, that doesn’t make her freak out less over what the blonde had said.

                _She was worried?! Why the hell was she worried?!_

                Ryder’s voice comes to her head, so clearly, it’s almost like he’s next to her (probably due to the alcohol, but still…).

                _She likes you, dummy! Go get her!_

                But it can’t go anywhere, can it? She can’t just act on her feelings without thinking of the consequences. That’s what got her into this bedroom in the first place!

                The fact is that, even if she took the chance, any form of relationship coming out of it would end, one way or another. And chances are it will end badly.

                _Why bother? Either I’ll hurt her, or she’ll hurt me. What’s the point?_

                Her thoughts are brought to an end when the blonde places her phone on the floor, with the LED light on and facing up.

                 “So…” Clarke starts, her eyes stuck to the floor and her cheeks as red as they can get. “Are you gonna say something, or do we leave, or are we gonna sit here for the rest of the night?”

                Upon hearing that, Lexa once again considers just getting up and leave. She doesn’t own her anything, right?

                _I do own her, though. She just admitted that she cared and I just walk out without any explanation?_

                She can’t bring herself to do that, no matter how much better for her it would be. She can’t stand the fact that Clarke would get hurt for no better reason than Lexa’s weakness.

                _I don’t even need to provide any details._

                “I have panic attacks sometimes.” She says, her stoic mask firmly on. “It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. The usual cause is stress. Watching a horror movie in a foreign house with a bunch of drunken idiots who are mostly strangers to me can be considered stressful.”

                “What caused them?” Clarke asks.

                Lexa looks at her for a while, slightly confused.

                “I just told you.”

                “No. I meant, what caused the panic attacks in the first place?” She explains, and Lexa curses herself for not thinking about this possibility. She’s a med student! And from what she could tell, her mom is a doctor as well! She should’ve see this coming!

                _Why didn’t I just get up?_

                Clarke seems to notice her hesitation.

                “I had a few after my dad died.” She continues. “Mostly during my sleep, but eventually, it stopped. You don’t seem to have chronical anxiety, so I was just wondering if something like that happened to you too. You don’t need to answer.” She adds quickly. “I was just wondering.” She shrugs.

                _So, either I lie or I look nuts. Nice. Great job, Lexa._ She sighs.

                Maybe she can tell it without any details.

                “Yes, somebody died. Someone dear to me.”

                “And you don’t want to talk about it, do you?” Clarke concludes.

                “No, I do not.” She says, maybe a little too harshly, since Clarke flinches a little. _Stop being a dick, Lexa!_ “Sorry. I don’t like to talk about it. And there’s no point in it, really. It was a long time ago.”

                “Well, if you ever want to talk about it, you can come to me.” She shrugs giving Lexa a kind smile that almost makes her heart melt. “Just so you know.”

                She almost gives in. She almost tells her everything about Costia and the accident.

                Then she remembers Clarke talking about her father. _She probably thinks it’s about my parents as well._ After all, the blonde most likely knows she’s adopted, so that is a logical conclusion. Lexa is not sure she would understand the loss of someone else. Someone you logically never depended on. _She will think I’m a weirdo who can’t move on from her dead girlfriend._

                “We should go back to the living-room.” She says instead.

                Clarke nods, not seeming disappointed one bit, which Lexa is not sure if she’s relieved of disappointed, and gets up to pick up a blanket. Lexa quickly rubs her eyes and stands up as well, working to get her face back under her control. Usually, it was an automatic thing, like breathing, blinking or rolling her eyes at almost everything, but something about Clarke’s presence made all those things a lot harder. (Of course she knows what that something is, but there’s no need to mention that).

                They return to the living-room shortly after, where the coffee table was moved and almost everyone was sitting on the floor with some drink on their hands.

                “Hey! Where did you go?” A very drunk Jasper asks, looking at Lexa with that idiotic smile of someone who thinks they know the answer, and are just asking for some kind of reaction.

                Lexa, however, just looks at him with her stoic mask on.

                “I fail to see how that any of your business.” She answers with an ice-cold voice. Jasper is by far the most annoying one of them.

                “Ohhh. Poor little Lexa was scared of the movie?” He asks with a mocking baby voice.

                The look Lexa gives him in return makes both him and Monty and Nathan next to him look like they would pee their pants at any time.

                “I don’t care, want or need to explain myself to you. Is that clear?” She speaks clearly, calmly and authoritarian, like she always does when she doesn’t want to be questioned (which is, let’s face it, 95% of the time).

                Everyone turns their eyes to Jasper, some in fear, most with a mocking smile, waiting for his answer. From the corner of her eye, she can see Clarke smiling discreetly, and she has to try really hard not to do the same ( _What is this girl doing to me?_ ). After the slightest nod of head, Lexa realises she’s not going to get a better answer, and turns around to sit on the place she was occupying prior to the panic attack. As soon as she sits down, she feels Clarke next to her nudging her with her shoulder. As she looks to her, the blonde hands her a new beer. As she’s about to turn it down, Clarke explains, with a half devious, half kind smile.

                “For ‘Never have I ever’.”

                She looks at it for a while before she takes it, nodding as a form of _thank you_. She’s not really a fan of this game. Especially with a bunch of strangers. Specially with a bunch of drunk strangers.

                When everyone has at least one drink in hand, Jasper gets up and starts talking (which, for Lexa, is a problem on its own).

                “Ok, nerds. For every poor virgin who hasn’t played with us before,” He pauses when he gets hit in the back of the head by a tennis ball that Anya threw (Why Anya had a tennis ball in her possession in the first place is beyond Lexa’s comprehension), receiving laughs from all around the circle, then continuing after like nothing happened, “we play this a little different. On top of the simple rules you know, after everyone drinks, or doesn’t drink, the person whose turn is theirs has the right to ask, if they want to, for an explanation, story, whatever, to one of the players, no matter if they drank or not. In order for the person not to answer, they have to drink, and, in that case, they can ask someone else. Also, every time someone asks, ‘ _define oral’,_ ” He makes quotation marks with his fingers and says it with a high pitch voice, earning once again a few laughs from everyone. “or some shit like that, they drink. Even if the answer is ‘no’. Got it?” The newcomers all nod. “Great. Let’s start. Never have I ever sucked a dick.”

                He sits back down as everyone laughs and Nathan, Bryan and Octavia drink.

                “Octavia, do tell us how that came about.” Jasper asks in a British accent for some reason, much to the embarrassment of, not the person in question, but Lincoln.

                Octavia on the other hand, seems to be quite comfortable with the whole situation.

                “I have a boyfriend and I go down on him sometimes, and sometimes he does the same for me.” She shrugs like is so big deal. Which really isn’t, but thinking about her brother’s sex life is not something that gives Lexa any particular pleasure. “Don’t worry, Jasper. Once you find a boyfriend, you’ll know what that’s like.” She adds, smiling, making everyone sheer for her.

                As Anya, and then Octavia and Lincoln have their turns, asking things not particular sexual ( _never have I ever crashed my parent’s car, got home wasted and was caught by my parents, had sex in public)_ , none of which made Lexa drink, she can’t help but to be a bit amused by the game and all the new rules. It was fun to see Anya explain how exactly she had sex at the zoo, or learn how Harper’s dad was pissed when she got home drunk and threw up on him. She actually found herself enjoying the company on this group of strange dorks who seem to have nothing in common with each other.

                When it’s her turn, she knows exactly what to say.

                “Never have I ever had sex with a guy.”

                To her surprise, everyone except for herself, Jasper and Lincoln drink. She looks between Luna, who she knows for sure she’s gay and never though she had actually tried a guy before, and Bellamy right next to Luna, who she took for straight and seems to want to fuse himself with the seat behind him.

                She chooses to go with the latter.

                “Blake.” She calls, looking him dead in the eye. He covers his face with his hands in defeat. “Do tell us that story.”

                “Look, it was a one-time thing. It happened when I went to Amsterdam with NYU’s exchange program. We went out to a gay bar and this guy said I should try it. I was baked, and drunk, and… it just happened.” He’s blushing by the second and everyone is staring at him with bulging eyes, including her sister. _This is news for everyone?_ She looks around with a little more attention. Only Clarke doesn’t seem particularly impressed by the story, only gazing her friend and trying (and failing) to hide a smile. _So, she is the only one who knows?_ Lexa is not sure how that makes her feel, but the pleasure she suddenly takes on seeing the older Blake so embarrassed gives her a pretty good idea.

                “How was it?” Nathan asks, seeming quite impressed with his friend.

                “Not great.” He answers. “It was weird and… I don’t know, it just felt strange and awkward.”

                Then Jasper asks the question Bellamy was for sure trying to avoid.

                “We’re you top or bottom? Or we’re you sucked?”

                Blake buries his head between his knees.

                “Bottom.” He whispers, making half the people in the room scream ‘ _What?!_ ’ so in sync one would have thought they rehearsed.

                “Could we just move on?” He begs. “Clarke, you’re next.” The silent plea in his eyes as he looks at the blonde makes Lexa almost feel sorry for asking him to tell.

                “Sure.” The blonde says, to his utter relief. “Never have I ever had a tattoo made while drunk.”

                _Well, that’s tricky._

                Fortunately, Lincoln asks the question that is on Lexa’s mind.

                “As a canvas or an artist? I did both, I’m just asking.” He shrugs as he takes a sip from his beer. Like him, all her siblings did, as well as Bellamy and Murphy.

                “Either.” Clarke answers.

                _Well, here goes nothing_ , she thinks as she lifts the beer to her lips.

                Clarke looks at her with such bulging eyes it makes her smile.

                “Really, Lexa?”

                She shrugs and looks around until she realises that all eyes are on her.

                _Oh, right. The explanation._

                “It was the eve of my eighteenth birthday and we all went out. Except for Emori. She was still a minor.” She grins at her little sister, who sticks her tongue out in return. “Once it hit midnight, we got to the shop because I wanted to get my first tattoo. Because I was tipsy and everyone else was dunk out of their asses, we all thought it was a great idea for Lincoln to tattoo me, and Anya, being the ass that she is, dared him to do it without a stencil.”

                Probably as a payback, Anya opens her mouth.

                “And what exactly did he tattoo, Heda?” She asks with a devious grin. All the siblings laugh at the nickname while everyone else appears confused as fuck.

                Lexa however, holds her ground as rolls up her left sleeve to expose one single word written on her forearm.

                _Heda._

                “It was supposed to spell _head over heart_ , but that ass” She points at Lincoln, who’s gripping his belly with how much he’s laughing, “misspelled the first word. I stopped it once I noticed, but it was too late.”

                “You didn’t even let me finish it.” He whines, still smiling like an idiot. Lexa glares at him, but can’t really be mad. That night was the first night she had fun in almost a year. She didn’t even want to go out, but her siblings dragged out of her room, and she ended up having a blast. She thought about making a cover up on top of it, but the silly ink makes her remember that night, and she can’t help but to smile every time she does.

                “That was a fun night, wasn’t it?” She says, to everyone and no one at same time.

                And so, the game went on. After Clarke, it’s Raven’s turn, who asks about some weird sexual position she guesses the engineering student hasn’t done due to her leg (and that Anya somehow had made). They go around, with her drinking a couple of times, but never really talking, and everyone laughs and mocks everyone else, but she loses interest quickly, favouring her attention to the blonde next to her. She doesn’t even have to hide since apparently, it’s a running joke to ask either Clarke or Raven for stories. She looks around to make sure nobody notices her shift in focus, but everyone either seems too drunk or too cough up with their sexual interest (namely, Emori and Murphy) to care.

                Suddenly, it her turn again and she has no idea of what to say. She looks at Anya, trying to think of something. However, her sister just smirks at her, waiting like everyone else, but her expression telling her she was caught.

                _Great. I’ll never hear the end of it._

                “Never have I ever… failed a college exam.” She says the first think that crosses her mind.

                Lincoln had never been to college, but other than him, everybody except for herself and Clarke drink.

                _Wait, what?_

                Clarke never failed an exam?!

                The news are not exactly a huge surprise, she always knew the blonde was smart, but still. Going through pre-med and med school without failing one single class? That’s pretty impressive.

                 “Boring.” Jasper whines after drinking. “C’mon, couldn’t you think of something else?”

                She just rolls her eyes and looks back at Clarke, waiting for her turn.

                 “Fine, Jasper.” Clarke answers with a devious grin. “You want something bold?”

                Jasper seems to know where this is headed.

                 “Oh, no. Not again.”

                Clarke’s smile grows as she looks at her friend.

                 “Never have I ever caused a car crash.”

                _Fuck._

                Of all the things she thought the blonde could have said, this was definitely in the bottom of the list. She considers lying, but her sibling would take all the wrong conclusions out of that act.

                So, she drinks with Jasper and Monty. From the corner of her right eye, she sees Luna dropping her head, and, on her left, Lincoln shaking his. She automatically knows what he’s thinking.

                _It was me, Lincoln. I caused it._

                Nobody notices, but suddenly, the three of them are very sober, and not exactly in a party mood anymore.

                Nobody but Clarke right next to her. She looks at Lexa, probably trying to figure out the change in the mood. Failing to break to her stoic face ( _glad that shield is still up_ ), she turns to Luna, who looks like she just saw her puppy die.

                 “Jasper, why don’t you tell the group how the hell you drove my mom’s car into a Starbucks.” She says, her eyes never moving away from her sister. Lexa even forgot there were other people in the room.

                 “You did what?” Octavia shouts, but it’s sounds far away to Lexa. Her focus is on the blonde, and what can she learn from staring at the most transparent person she knows. She’s not exactly sure what the blonde can figure out from staring at Luna alone, but she’s almost afraid of the answer. Luna looks sad and a bit guilty, which doesn’t give mush away on its own, but Clarke and her siblings talk about everything on the shop. What if someone let something slip away? Something meaningless on its own, but something that Luna’s expression may put together?

                For the rest of the night, the two of them barely speak a word (which made them drink a lot more that they would otherwise). They just sit there, watching everyone have fun, but unable to do the same after the reminder they just had. They just look at each other for most of the time, Luna’s sorrowful eyes into her stoic ones. Clarke tries to get her attention several times, but every time she either ignores her or shrugs it off. She knows she’ll feel bad latter, after all, this is not Clarke’s fault and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, but right now, all she can think about is Costia and how she died in front of her for the most stupid reason.

                They leave when Harper falls asleep on top of Monty, who fell asleep on top of Jasper a few minutes before. As they walk to the subway, Lincoln wraps his arm around Lexa (probably for the balance he needs and that the alcohol doesn’t let him have, but still making her feel better), keeping a (somewhat) coherent conversation with Anya and Emori, Luna grabbing their hands so they don’t accidently walk into the middle of the road. If she’s being honest, she’s surprised Anya can walk at all, since she drank more than half the house together (which is a surprise on itself, Anya being the collected person that she is), being only beaten by Raven, who was on the verge of passing out on the toilet by the time they left. (It didn’t miss Lexa’s attention that Luna was the first to get up and help Raven when she rushed to the bathroom, but she’s probably the only one who noticed).

                Forty minutes later, Lexa is unlocking their apartment door, which proves to be a difficult task with Anya practically hanging from her shoulders. She drops her sister on the couch while Luna carries Emori to their room and Lincoln wobbles to get kitchen, mumbling something about getting water. After checking on Anya one last time to make sure she’s alive and not in the mood for moving to her bed, she decides to go to her room, but a big hand on her shoulder stops her. She turns around to a half-asleep Ryder in his pyjamas.

                _I didn’t even know he was home tonight._ The idiot was probably waiting for them.

                _Over protective moron._

                 “Lincoln told me what happened. Do you want your Teddy bear?” He whispers with a sleepy smile.

                Anyone else who would ask Lexa Woods that would be in the E.R. within the hour. But it wouldn’t be the first time she would sleep with Ryder’s big arms wrapped around her. She wasn’t exactly proud of it (god forbid anybody else to find out), but she always felt save when she would cry herself to sleep in his arms after Costia died.

                But she’s not a broody teenager with a dead girlfriend anymore.

                 “No need.” She answers, giving him a smile that most people don’t see. “I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. But thanks. Good night, Ryder.”

                He nods.

                 “Good night, baby girl.” He whispers as he drags himself to the living room, probably to help Anya out.

                She turns around and goes to the bathroom to make herself ready for bed. Within minutes (actually, the fastest time she thinks she’s ever made when she thinks about it), she’s under her blankets hearing Ryder dragging Anya to Lexa’s other bed. She falls asleep before he even closes the door.

                As soon as she closes her eyes, she’s back on that street, while the snow falls on her face, all over again.

                _Here we go again,_ she thinks as she watches the taxis go up and down the street, knowing one of them will be doomed to crash, but never knowing which one.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, what did you think?
> 
> kudos and coments are very apriciated!!  
> :D:D:D:D:D:D


	7. No walls in your dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a blizzard, working late and nightmares.  
> that's all i can say. :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this has gone beyond ridiculous and i can't even apologise. it's just too mush work and too mush sadness...  
> hope you like it, though.

# 7\. No walls in your dreams

 

(3 weeks later)

                Walking to the subway, Clarke is pretty sure she’s on the verge of hypothermia. It’s 11 pm, she’s in the middle of a snow storm and she’s exhausted from the shop. And she’s been up since 6 am due to oral presentations that professor Tsing insisted on starting at 7, and that she has been preparing for the last 2 weeks.

                She desperately need her bed. Her warm, fluffy bed that has been calling her name since this morning.

                She wants to blame Gustus for schedule a staff meeting that went on for way too long. She wants to blame Luna for taking longer to finish a piece. She wants to blame Lexa for being over an hour late, even though “the subway is closed because of frozen tracks and I had to walk four miles” is a better excuse than most.

                She stops on her tracks when it hits her. The subway is closed. She has been walking for ten minutes in the direction of a close subway station.

                Though she can hardly see past twenty feet ahead, she looks around for a cab. Nothing. No cars, no bikes, not even people. She’s the only dummy outside in the middle of storm. She rests her back against a wall and takes her phone out, trying to turn it on, even though she knows it has been dead for the past hour. She sighs. There’s only one solution left.

                She must walk home.

                Six miles. That’s about almost 2 hours of walking, on normal weather. God knows how long she would take under a storm.

                _I should go back to the shop. Maybe they’re still there._ Usually Lincoln and Luna stay a little longer to clean up, so they all might have stayed behind because of the snow. And Gustus brought the car today, so maybe she can get a lift. Her house is in the opposite direction, but he might feel sorry for her because of the storm.

                She turns around and walks back to the shop. She’s walking against the wind, so it takes a lot longer that it should.

                After about twenty-five minutes that feel like twenty hours, she crosses the street to reach Grounders. The front lights are off, but the since the shop is closed, that doesn’t really surprise her. Hoping they’re on the back, she knocks.

                No one comes.

                She knocks again.

                No one.

                She knocks again. And again. And again. She closes her eyes and knocks repeatedly, each knock taking another bit of her hope away. She’ll have to walk home. Maybe she’ll find a cab on the way. Maybe one cab driver is not smart enough to stay at home. Maybe she’ll get lucky.

                She almost jumps when her fist misses the glass panel. Looking up, she sees annoyed green eyes staring down at her. There is something else written in those eyes, but her brain is too cold to function past the superficial level by now.

                “You went to the subway, didn’t you?” She asks. Surprisingly, her voice sounds more neutral than bored.

                Clarke is way too cold to say anything, so she just nods.

                The brunette opens the door wide.

                “Get in.”

                She has barely finished the sentence when Clarke moves past her. The heat inside the store is almost painful to her frozen skin.

                “Go to the office.” Lexa orders as she closes the door.

                Clarke enters Gustus office and sits of the couch on the right side, rolling up herself in a ball as much as possible. Lexa comes in shortly after, bringing a blanket with her, that she extends to her.

                “It’s not much, but it’s what I have.” She says, her face a little more relaxed now. _Maybe she was annoyed at the snow,_ she thinks as she takes the blanket. It’s black and green and far too small for her to be completely wrapped by it, but that doesn’t stop her from trying. Once she realises it can’t be done, she settles for laying on the couch with the blanket on top. She looks up to Lexa, who is working on a laptop on the other couch across the room. _I didn’t know she wore glasses;_ she thinks as she watches the brunette typing. She appears far less intimidating like this. _She looks so cute._ She’s still very hot, but in a completely different, more down to earth way Clarke never thought Lexa could be. She looks… approachable.

                After a couple minutes, the full lips she has been looking at since she has been seated move.

                “You do know you’re staring, right?” The brunette states, her eyes never leaving the computer.

                Clarke quickly looks away, feeling her cheeks surprisingly hot for how cold she is.

                “S-Sorry.” She whispers, though she’s not even sure Lexa heard her from the other side of the room.

                But not two minutes later, her eyes are back on the brunette. What else is she going to do? She’s freezing, her phone is dead and she can’t go home. Besides, watching Lexa working is by far a better pastime than most. She did try to hide it, looking around the room every now and then. But the gorgeous brunette didn’t seem to be paying much attention (which kind of upsets her a little bit), pretending Clarke wasn’t there while typing on her laptop.

                She doesn’t know how long she’s been staring pretending not to be staring, bit all the sudden, green eyes are back at her, this time harsher.

                “Do you want something, or are you just looking at me for the hell of it?” She asks, looking annoyed, like the blonde is some kind of burden, or something.

                Three weeks. Three weeks they haven’t said two proper words to each other. Three weeks with Lexa either ignoring her or rolling her eyes every time she opened her mouth. Three weeks with Lexa ignoring every single word they shared on dinner night. Three weeks with Clarke taking it, thinking it was a defense mechanism because of how vulnerable Lexa was that night.

                Three weeks to make her change her mind.

                And now, she’s done.

                “Are you an ass from birth, or just for the hell of it?” She replies in the same harsh tone.

                “Excuse me?” Lexa asks, seeming a bit surprised, but keeping the stoic face Clarke once thought sexy, but was just annoyed by it now.

                “You heard me.” She replies, rolling her eyes like the brunette always did to her. She did notice Lexa shivering a bit at that (staring at the woman for God knows how long has its advantages), but choses to ignore it. She’s too angry right now. _It’s payback, bitch._ “Are you an ass by choice or birth?”.

                But the look Lexa gives her next almost breaks her confidence little pieces (along with everything else inside her). Her face is as stoic as ever, but her eyes speak what she’s trying to hide so bad: hurt and regret.

                Her angry, frustrated words hurt her.

                _Shit._

                “This ass just saved _your ass_ from dying of hypothermia. So, if you’re too bothered, be my guest and move _your ass_ back outside.” She replies with the most apathetic tone while her eyes fall back to the computer, but she’s different this time. She’s looks… sadder?

                _Great, now I feel guilty. How does she do this?!_ _I did nothing wrong! She was being a dick and I answered back, for Christ sake!_

                “Why are you like this?” Clarke asks calmly, looking back at the brunette, who seems a bit caught off guard.

                “What?”

                “Why are you always this indifferent and distant? It clearly makes you unhappy, so why are you like that?”

                Lexa just sighs.

                “I’m sorry I was rude.” She says instead. “It’s late, and I’m tired, and we’re stuck here until the storm slows down… I just took out on you. I’m sorry. But please, don’t stare at me. It’s flattering for a while, but it gets creepy after twenty minutes.” She gives Clarke a faint smile before her focus is back in the computer.

                Her cheeks turn bright red at that. _Twenty minutes?! What the hell?_

                _Also, she didn’t answer my question._ Be she knows the drill by now: if she insists, the brunette will either ignore her or get all defensive. Neither options are good to keep a conversation.

                So, she tries a different approach.

                “Why didn’t you go home with the others? Gustus brought the car. Why didn’t you go with them?

                “Had work to do.” She responds, her eyes never leaving the screen.

                “You’re on a laptop. You could do it at home. You would be more comfortable there.”

                She looks up with an annoyed look of her face.

                “If I had gone home, you would be freezing on the street.”

                Clarke smiles. _Gotcha._

                “So, were you waiting for me to come back?”

                Lexa seems surprised at that. _Apparently, not. That’s a downer._ But is also seems to throw her of a bit. _So, there are some positives._

                “No, I- I just- I just stayed. That’s it.”

                “Why?” She asks again, praying Lexa actually answers this time. _C’mon girl, let me in._ “You’re tired, you said it yourself. You could’ve just gone home”.

                Lexa sighs again, seeming frustrated.

                “I don’t like cars. Is that’s enough for you?”

                “Why?” She insists, probably pushing the limits a touch too far.

                “God! Why do you care?!” The brunette shouts, making Clarke waver.

                “I told you, I…” Clarke whispers, but Lexa interrupts her before she can finish.

                “Yeah, you told me you cared. But you never told me why.” Lexa responds, using a much calmer, almost depressed, tone. “It makes no sense, Clarke. Why do you care? I’m a bitch to you 90% of the time, we barely say two words to each other a day for the past year and a half, we’re practically strangers to one another… why do you care so much? Or at all, for a matter of fact?”

                “Why are you always a bitch?” The blonde asks instead. “Is it a defense mechanism or something?”

                Lexa meditates on that for a while.

                “Answer me and I’ll answer you.” She finally decides.

                Clarke nods, but she doesn’t really know how to respond. Why does she care?! She can’t tell her the truth!!

                _I have a crush on you ever since I laid eyes on you._

_You’re hot and sexy and mysterious, which only makes you even more hot and sexy._

                She can’t say those things! Lexa would run! Or laugh! And Clarke doesn’t know which one is worse.

                “I don’t know, Lexa. I just care for you. You seem… troubled, or something. I want to know you. I’m curious.” She sighs. She’s aware she’ll probably overshare, but that seems to be that only way to break Lexa’s walls, so she continues. “You’re different. I never met anyone like you. You drive people away, apparently on purpose and you seem to be fully aware of that fact, and I want to know why. Why do you hide yourself behind… well, yourself? I’m usually pretty good at reading people, and I’m curious to what I can read over all the walls you put up.”

                Clarke looks up after she’s finished, locking her eyes with Lexa’s green ones, that seem a little astonished. _Was she expecting me to lie? Or maybe something different?_

                They stay like this for a while, until Clarke can’t take it anymore.

                “Your turn.” She says.

                Lexa takes a deep breath and she’s about to speak when her phone rings.

                _Seriously?!?!?_ She thinks while Lexa picks her phone up and answers it.

                “Yes?” She says to the phone and Clarke can’t help but to feel heartbroken that the walls are back on. “Ok, thanks. On my way.” She looks up at Clarke for a minute “Hey, Ryder? Clarke is with me, any chance you can take her home?... Right.” She puts her phone down. “The streets are full of snow and the subway is probably still closed. We can only walk. Do you mind sleeping at our home, or do you want to walk home? Anya doesn’t live there anymore, so there’s a free bed.”

                _Ok, so not all is bad news._ She nods to Lexa, who nods back.

                “Ok. We’ll be home on fifteen. You can go to bed now.” She smiles at the phone after hearing whatever answer Ryder gives her, and it astonishes her. It’s a caring smile. A kind smile she never saw in Lexa before. “Bye, Ryder.” Her face goes back to the stoic mask right after she hangs up. She closes the laptop and puts it in the bag. “It’s about a fifteen-minute walk if we walk fast. Ryder says the storm is slowing down, so we should be able to reach the apartment no problem. You ready?”

                Clarke nods as she gets up, bringing the blanket with her.

                “Ok. Let’s go.” Lexa turns around to turn off the lights and pick up her keys and bag, and they leave the shop.

                Clarke regrets leaving as soon as she steps outside. It’s not snowing anymore, but the freezing cold wind still feels like ice chards touching every inch of her skin.

                “L-L-Lexa.” She calls while the brunette locks the door behind her.

                “All done.” She turns to the blonde and looks at her for a second before she removes her coat and puts it around her. Clarke steps back, trying to refuse, but Lexa doesn’t budge. “C’mon. The faster you accept it, the faster we get home.”

                Clarke doesn’t want to accept it. But she’s freezing her ass and Lexa doesn’t seem like the type of person that knows how to take ‘no’ for an answer. So, she just grabs the coat and puts it on, trying her best to hide the relief that it’s giving her.

                Plus, it smells like Lexa, so that’s a bonus.

                She follows Lexa through the wind and the snow that started falling again. She doesn’t even know where she’s going. All she sees is dark wavy hair and black outfit.

                But after a while, the black outfit seems to be getting farther and farther away.

                “L-Lexa?” Her voice is not more than a whisper, but that’s all she can muster. _Damn, the cold is really taking a tow on me._ She can barely feel anything at all.

                The brunette turns around and is by her side just in time, because the snowy ground was looking quite comfy to Clarke all the sudden.

                “Ok. Ok. I got you.” Lexa says, holding her against her body. “Just two more blocks, ok? Two more blocks and you can go to sleep. Does that sound good?”

                She nods as she lets the other woman practically carry her.

                Clarke is not sure how long it goes after that, she can’t even see right, she’s trembling all over the place, but suddenly, the air around her is warm again.

                Lexa helps her sit on the stairs.

                “Clarke?” She calls, her voice filled with worry as both her hands touch the blondes face, holding her head up. “Clarke, look at me.”

                She opens her eyes and the first thing she sees is the brunette’s bright green eyes looking at her, almost terrified. That terror turns into relief a second after, and Clarke can’t help but to feel flattered at that. _If she was worried, it means she cares, right?_ Either that or the cold is seriously messing with her judgement.

                “Clarke, our apartment is on the 7th floor. There’s an elevator right there” she points to her left, “but we need to get there. I need your help, Clarke. Do you think you can do it? Do you need to warm up a little more?”

                “I’m f-fine.” She says as she tries to stand up (and she’s way too proud of herself when she does it on her own). Lexa seems a bit… _sad, maybe?,_ but she guides them to the elevator none the less, and not long after, to her apartments front door. When she opens the door, Clarke is quite surprised, though she doesn’t know exactly why.

                The living room was as small as hers, but there were clearly a lot more people living in there. There were three couches, all different colors, around a wooden coffee table, but no TV. Around the room, all for the walls were covered with bookshelves filled with more book than one could read (at least, one like Clarke), except for the space between the windows, where a big Canadian flag made of wood and metal rings was hanging.

                _Hold on._

                “C-Canada?”

                “Gustus is Canadian.” Lexa whispers as she locks the door. “He made that for an art class, years ago, out of spite because his teacher clamed America was the best country in the world.” She grabs the blonde’s hand and she’s talking again before neither of them have time to freak out. “C’mon. You’ll sleep in my room.”

                Lexa pulls her into the hall, probably hoping Clarke doesn’t notice the blush on her face (she did). They turn left into what she assumes is Lexa’s room.

                It’s a small, simple room, with two beds and a desk near the window. To her left side, facing the beds, there’s a cabinet with a TV and more videogame cases, DVD’s and consoles than she can count ( _Was Raven here to rig this thing?!_ ), as well as over a dozen candles placed randomly, which makes the whole combination odd, but strangely endearing. If fact, there are candles all around the room.

                “What’s with the candles?” She asks without thinking. Lexa gives her an annoyed look. “Sorry.” She whispers, looking down.

                Half a minute later, she hears Lexa’s voice again.

                “It’s kind of an obsession that I have. Scented candles relax me.” She seems embarrassed with what she’s saying.

                _Candles and videogames…_ Clarke smiles to herself. _My girl is a dork!_

                _Hold on! My girl?!_ The cold tiredness is really affecting her. But as she looks around, she notices everything is geeky in some level: a TARDIS lamp on the nightstand, a huge-ass Lego Star Wars ship on top of the cabinet, Thor’s hammer hanging from the wall?!

                _This is Raven’s dream room._

                Lexa interrupts her train of thought.

                “So, that’s Anya’s bed.” She points to the bed closer to the door. “She’s rarely here, so it’s clear most of the time. Do you…?”

                She’s interrupted by a knock on the door.

                “Hey, Lex.” A very sleepy Ryder whispers. “Clarke.” He nods to her, then turns back to her sister. “Just checking of you. Do you need anything?”

                Lexa shakes her head, a tiny smile forming.

                “I’m fine, Ryder. Just go back to bed.”

                Ryder doesn’t even seem to have enough strength to hold himself up, much less argue with her.

                “Ok. Night, girls. No funny business.” He closes the door before neither of them has time to answer (not that they would; they’re both far too embarrassed for it).

                Lexa is the first to recover.

                “Just ignore him.” She whispers, her face as red as a tomato, as she goes to the big wardrobe to her left. “I’ll get you something to wear.”

                “No, it’s fi…” She quickly dismisses, but is interrupted just as quickly.

                “You are not sleeping in jeans in my house. That’s out of question.” Lexa states as she takes out a PJ from one of the drawers. She throws it at her and grabs hers from the bed closest to the window. “Do you want to use the bathroom first?”

                Not twenty minutes later she’s already half asleep in Anya’s bed as Lexa turns of the lights.

                “Sleep well, Clarke.” She hears Lexa whispering as the brunette leaves the room. She unwillingly or not, pictures Lexa in the shower she can hear the brunette taking as she drifts into deep sleep.

 

                Clarke is woken up a couple of hours later by some sort of quiet mumbling that she can’t quite place. It’s over before she can track the source, so she grabs her phone to see the time, but it’s still dead. She doesn’t have the charger, she recalls. _Raven is gonna kill me._

                She puts the phone back in the nightstand and is making herself comfortable again in the foreign bed, when she hears the noise once again.

                _What the hell?_ She looks around, but she can’t see anything for the life of it.

                “Don’t.”

                Clarke almost jumps off the bed.

                “Lexa?” She whispers, but there’s no answer. _She talks in her sleep?!_

                She actually finds it adorable, but that thought is cut short when she hears Lexa’s breath becoming more erratic.

                “Costia, don’t.” She murmurs, though her voice seems stressed. Clarke reaches her arms for the switch as she keeps hearing Lexa’s distressed voice, her worry increasing. “Please, don’t. Stay. Just stay here, Costia. Don’t go. Please! I need you.”

                She finally finds the switch and turns on the lamp in the nightstand, only to find herself staring in shock at Lexa, drenched in sweat, turning over and over on the bed.

                “No!” She says, her voice is still no more than a whisper, as she turns again, her face facing the blonde. _Is she crying?! In her sleep?!_ Clarke gets up the bed as Lexa keeps rambling in panic. “Costia, don’t go. Please! I need you, please!”

                _I have to wake her up._ Seeing Lexa so worked up is giving her a panic attack of her own. She kneels next to her bed puts her hand on her shoulder.

                “Lexa, wake up.” She whispers, not wanting to scare the girl even more.

                The brunette whimpers and turns around. For a second she thinks she’s awake, but then she starts mumbling Costia’s name again. W _ho the hell is Costia anyway?_

                “Lexa, please, wake up!” She says louder as she shakes the girl’s shoulder. Lexa is getting more and more agitated, tears falling down her face, and it’s scaring Clarke to death. “Lexa!” The blonde finally shouts, out of desperation, which thankfully works. Lexa’s eyes are suddenly wide open, looking straight at her blue ones. The brunette doesn’t jump or gets startled. Instead, they just stare at each other, both with tears in their eyes. Lexa is the first one to speak.

                “Did I wake you up?” She whispers.

                Clarke nods, her eyes never leaving the green ones.

                “Were you having a nightmare?”

                “It happens sometimes.” She answers, nodding. “Don’t worry about it. Sorry I woke you up.” She turns in her bed and cover herself to her shoulders, so all Clarke can see now is her wavy brown hair. _She’s been asleep, for God sakes! How does her hair look so good!?_ “Good night, Clarke.”

                But Clarke doesn’t quit that easily. She wants to understand her. So, she tries a different approach.

                “Who’s Costia?” She asks, making Lexa stiffen immediately. “You were saying her name. Asking her not to go. Where did she go?”

                Lexa stays quiet for a while before she answers.

                “Just go to bed, Clarke.” She finally says, but her voice cracks mid-sentence.

                _Hold on. Cracks?!?_ Lexa’s voice never cracks. It’s always firm and commanding and sexy…

                _Ok, Clarke, not the right time for this._

                “Lexa, if you wanna talk, I’m here, ok?”

                She’s half waiting for her to send her back to bed again, but she stays silent for what feels like hours, and Clarke feels like she does want to speak, so she touches the girls shoulder. When Lexa doesn’t shy away, she starts caress it though the fabric with her thumb.

                “Costia was my girlfriend.” Lexa’s voice sound like she’s about to break. “She’s gone now.”

                “What happened?” Clarke asks, praying she’s not stepping the line. “Did you break up?”

                “No, she…” Lexa takes a big, shaky breath before she continues. “She died.”

                “Oh.”

                Clarke was not expecting that. She was expecting a break up, moving out of town, homophobic parents, but not actual death.

                “When?” She whispers, her hand never leaving the brunette’s shoulder.

                “7 years ago.” She sniffs. She looks so fragile right now it’s making Clarke herself almost burst into tears. “We were juniors. We we’re fighting over something, but we just made up and decided to meet at a different café, for a change. She was late by half an hour, so I came outside to call her when I saw a taxi losing control by the intersection. Someone passed a red light and touched the back of it. It crashed against a street light. I rushed there to see if I could help or something. The driver broke both legs, but made it out with a little help. The guy on the back just walked out, barely a scratch in him.  But s-someone was hit by th-the taxi o-on the sidewalk. Co-Costia, she... One of the front wheels was on her chest.” Lexa is heavily sobbing by now, and Clarke half hugs her, awkwardly due to their position, but hoping it would get the brunette some comfort. “Sh-she was in my arms w-when the medics came, b-but she was unc-conscious already. She d-d-didn’t make it to the hospital. I-in-ternal b-bleeding.”

                Clarke almost says she’s sorry for Costia, but she refrains herself. That’s not what Lexa wants to hear. From her experience, there’s nothing Lexa wants to hear right now. So, she just holds tightly her until her sobs subside.

 

-.-.-.-

 

                Lexa is trying her best to calm herself down. It’s bad enough when this happens when she’s alone, but Clarke being there somehow makes it seem a lot more intense.

                And a lot more embarrassing. (Thought she can’t deny the fact that being in the blonde’s arms makes feel more alive than she felt in 7 years).

                Fortunately, Clarke is the first one to talk.

                “Is that why you got the tattoo?” She whispers quietly, and Lexa notices her voice weavers. _Did I just make Clarke cry? Lovely. Great job, Lexa._ “The one that was supposed to say ‘head over heart’? To remind you not to get hurt again?”

                “Anya gave me the idea. She thought it would be good for me. To move forward. It didn’t really work, but at least it was a fun night.” She adds, hoping to make Clarke laugh, and she smiles a bit hearing the blonde giggle.

                They stay like this for a long while, Clarke slowly getting more and more into her bed. She doesn’t know how long it has been, but suddenly, she’s very aware of a certain pair of breasts pressing against her back. Weirdly, that makes her kind of sad. _If Clarke is this comfortable this close to me, it must not be awkward to her, right?_

                _Maybe she doesn’t like me that way after all,_ her sleepy self thinks, her brain completely ignoring everything that was told to her by both the blonde and everyone else the past month.

                Her sleepy self also has more courage and less brains than her woken self, so she dares to open her mouth.

                “Do you want to stay here with me?” She whispers, now mostly asleep. For some reason, and despite all her fears about Clarke and the initial tension, she can’t help but to feel very comforted with the blonde’s hug.

                “I would love to.” She hears, Clarke’s voice just as exhausted as her own.

                Lexa turns around so she can cover Clarke with her blanket before they both fall asleep in each other’s arms, both afraid of what might happen when they wake up.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i hope you liked it.  
> side note: if you notice any wrong spelling or grammar, can you comment and add the whole sentence so i can correct it? english is not my first language, so even with re reads a lots of attention, i might not notice this thing.


	8. Borrowing courage from a Raven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day after consequences and Raven being a helpful asshole. :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy.

# 8\. Borrowing courage from a Raven

 

                Lexa wakes up with somebody banging at her door.

                “Lexa, wake the fuck up!” She hears Luna screaming from the other side of the door. “We need your help!”

                As she drifts slowly off sleep, she notices the pressure on her hand. Some sort of warm pressure.

                Someone is holding her hand.

                Her cheeks flush as she remembers all that has happened last night.

                That it was Clarke in her bed.

                That was Clarke holding her hand.

                She opens her eyes to see the blondes still closed.

                Of course, that changes the second Luna shouts again.

                “Lexa!! Move your ass! it’s an emergency!” She screams as she bangs even louder at the door.

                She doesn’t pay much attention to her sister though, as she sees the blonde stretching her arms and moving from side to side. She’s not even disappointed that she let go of her hand. That sight alone is absolutely adorable.

                “Good morning.” The words come out of her mouth before she has time to think them through, her voice rough from sleep. Hopefully, it was low enough for her sister not to hear her.

                Clarke turns back to her and smiles, and Lexa decides it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.

                “Good morning t...” Clarke starts to whisper, but can’t make it to the end before Luna is screaming again.

                “LEXA! WAKE TH…!”

                “What do you want, Luna?!” She shouts back in her usual harsh tone. This is the best morning she’s had in ages (at least until her brain catches up to her and she has to think about its consequences, but she’ll deal with that latter), and her sister is ruining everything.

                “Clarke went missing last night. Get up. We need your help.”

                They hear steps fading away as they look at each other, neither moving a muscle.

                Clarke is the first to speak.

                “I didn’t call Raven, you know. My phone died. She was probably worried.” She whispers.

                “You _think_?” She hisses. She lays her back on the bed. What is she going to do? She can’t just walk out with Clarke in tow. What will everyone think? Only Ryder…

                _Ryder._

                “Where’s Ryder?” She asks herself, not even noticing she’s talking out loud.

                “What?”

                “Ryder. He saw you coming in. Where is he? Why didn’t he tell them where you were?”

                “Maybe he went to work?” She says, still whispering.

                She lays on her back again and smacks her hand against her forehead. _Great. Just fantastic._

                “Why does Ryder make a difference?”

                Lexa sighs.

                “Ryder would tell them to shut up again after me. And they would. I can deal with them by myself, but it would be easier with him here. Oh god, they will ask soooo many questions!” She whines.

                “LEXA!!” This time, the raging scream comes from Raven.

                “Go to the other bed.” The brunette whispers as she moves out of bed as well. When Clarke is on Anya’s bed again, she unlocks the door and opens it to a very pissed Raven.

                “What?” She asks with an annoyed look.

                “Where the fuck is Clarke?” She asks, squirting her eyes as she stares into her green ones. “You were the last person on the shop. She never came home last night. If something happened to her, I’m blaming you, Woods. I’m gonna fuckin k…”

                “Raven, calm the fuck down.” Clarke says from Anya’s bed. “I’m fine.”

                “Clarke?” Raven takes her stare out of Lexa and into the blonde. She moves past her as if it was her own room and the brunette wasn’t even there. “Where the fuck were you?! We were all worried sick!”

                “I was here.” Clarke shrugs nonchalantly.

                “And where the fuck is your phone!?”

                “Died.” She answers as she gets up and goes to get her cloches.

                “Died?! That’s all you have to say to me?! I looked everywhere for you!” She screams.

                “Sorry.” The blonde simply answers, and she gets undressed.

                _Shit. She’s getting undressed._

                Lexa quickly turns around and grabs Raven by the arm, pulling her out of her room.

                “You. Out.” She orders as she pulls her, not even looking at the blonde.

                “But…” She starts to complain, but Lexa just cuts her off.

                “Out of my room. Now.” She says just as coldly as before, closing the door on her way out.

                On the hall, she’s greeted with her entire family, with the exception of Ryder. Hell, even Lincoln and Octavia were there.

                “Where is Clarke?” Octavia asks. It takes her a minute to realize she’s not talking to the brunette who’s arm she’s still holding, but herself. “You were the last person in the shop. Where is my friend?”

                “She’s getting dressed. Calm down.” She responds letting go of Raven, her voice cold and nonchalantly, and moves past all of them to get some food.

                “Getting dressed?! That’s all you have to say?! We though she was dead!!” Lincoln’s girlfriend rants, coming after her. She completely ignores her until she has her strawberry milkshake in her hand. “Are you really that arrogant that you’re just gonna ignore me?”

                Lexa finally turns to her, her face still as cold and stoic as ever. The other brunette’s head stood a good couple of inches below her, but her face seems no less fierce due to that fact. Behind her, everyone else is standing at a good safe distance from them, some amused at the whole scene, like Lincoln, some just really curious, like Anya, who was there of some reason still unknown to Lexa, and Raven, who seemed just as pissed as black-headed girl in front of her.

                “She came back after realizing the subway was closed. I let her in and brought her here after the storm slowed down a bit, since her house is another hour walking from here. Her phone is dead. That’s why she didn’t call you. I gave one of my pajamas and she slept on Anya’s bed. What I don’t understand is why are you ranting at me when she’s the one who left you hanging.” She finishes just as Clarke is walking into the kitchen.

                “Really?!” She raises her eyebrows as the looks straight into the green of her eyes, like there was no one else in the really crowded kitchen. Lexa doesn’t even know what she’s asking. Maybe she’s surprised she’s blaming all of this on the blonde, though it really is her fault. But at this point, Lexa doesn’t really care. What’s in her mind is how cute the blonde looks with that expression.

                But she can’t show that, can she?

                Raven and Octavia end up leaving shortly after, pulling Clarke by her arm. Lexa keeps looking at the blonde as they pull her out, only stopping so Octavia can say goodbye to her boyfriend. As soon as they leave, all eyes are on her.

                “What?”

                After a few seconds of everyone looking between each other, Anya decides to speak.

                “Blondie slept in my bed?”

                “Yes.”

                “Why?”

                “Because it was either that or walking home in a blizzard.” She answers, really trying her best to sound as cold and stoic as possible, which, she found, is very difficult when her sister is asking such stupid questions.

                “No, I mean… Why didn’t she sleep in your bed? I’m sure you’d both love that, right?” She asks with a smirk on her face. And, soon enough, every single soul in the room is laughing their asses of. Lexa tries her best to keep a straight face, but not long after she’s laughing as well, while chasing Anya around the house, followed by everyone else except for Gustus, who just rolls his eyes and goes to his room.

                After ten minutes, they are all gasping for air in the middle of the living room, engulfed in each other after another one of their playful fights.

                _They are all idiots,_ she thinks, smiling as she lays her head on top of Luna’s chest, who’s head is rested on Lincoln’s leg, _but I love them._

 

-.-.-.-

 

                Raven was pissed. That much she could tell.

                Octavia went home after making sure Clarke was ok, and so she was left with the brunette, that didn’t speak a word to her the entire way home.

                As soon as Clarke closes the door their apartment, she sees Raven disappear into the hallway that leads to her room, and she can’t take it any longer.

                “Raven, wait! I told you I’m sorry! Please, talk to me!”

                “Why?” Her friend simply asks, barely any emotion in her voice, still not facing her. “You didn’t care to talk to me before.”

                “C’mon, Rae. I’m sorry. It wasn’t my fault. My phone died!”

                “How was I supposed to know that?” She turns around and the sight breaks Clarke’s heart: Her best friend in on the verge of tears. “You didn’t come home. You didn’t pick up the phone. All I knew was that you went into the storm to a closed subway station. What was I supposed to think, Clarke?!”

                “Did you try to call L…” She doesn’t have the guts to finish the question. Her friends glare says it all. “You did.” She concludes.

                Raven nods, the glare never leaving her face.

                “It rang, but she didn’t answer.” She shakes her head. After a few minutes of both of them awkwardly looking at the round, Raven starts talking again. Only this time, it’s in a low, almost broken, whisper. “Why would you do this to me, Clarke? Do you know how worried I was? Do you even care?”

                “Of course I care!!” She almost runs into her friend’s arms and they squeeze each other tightly. “I’m sorry, Rae. I really didn’t mean to worry you. I was selfish. I’m so sorry.”

                “So…” Raven starts after they let go of each other, and Clarke just knows she’s gonna want to smack her in the very near future. “Given you were that distracted to call the person you love the most, is it safe to conclude that Lexa at least knows what she’s doing down there?”

                The brunette is barely done with her last word before she storms (the best she can, given her leg) out of the hall and into the living room, probably knowing her friend is gonna throw something at her.

                “Raven!” She shouts, her face red as a tomato, as she throws the first thing that comes to her had (a bottle of shampoo, as it turns out), aiming at Raven’s head, and missing by less than an inch.

                “What the hell?! You almost hit me, you bitch!” Raven shouts back, as she picks up the bottle and throws it to the blond curls, laughing her ass off when the blonde has to avoid it.

                After a few more shouts, laughs and the shampoo bottle getting thrown back and forward at least a dozen times, Raven goes to the kitchen to get an absurd amount of snacks and chips while Clarke searchers for “Friends” on Netflix before her friend could come back. The brunette rolls her eyes, as she usually does, when she looks at the screen, but sits down and watches it none the less.

                They watch five episodes before Raven speaks again.

                “So, how was your night?”

                Clarke can’t say she wasn’t expecting that.

                She also didn’t want to tell Raven what happened, which is a first. They always tell each other everything.

                But this time, most of what she has to tell it’s Lexa’s to tell.

                Lexa trusted her. She can’t just betray her trust.

                “Well, I went to the storm, like the dumbass I am. Then I went back to the shop, and Lexa was there, then we went…”

                “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Spill the juice, Griffin!”

                “Sorry, but there’s no juice. I just slept in Anya’s bed. That was it.”

                “So, your dear Lexa, the love of your life…”

                “That’s stretching it a bit…”

                “Saves you from a deadly storm,” Raven continues as the blonde had said nothing, keeping it with the cheesy fairytale voice. “Brings her into her house, her room, takes care of you, and that’s it? You just sleep on the other bed?”

                “Yes.”

                Raven just laughs.

                “Oh, c’mon, Clarkey! You know you can’t lie to me! Tell me the juice!” She shouts as she shakes the blonde’s torso with both her arms. “Talk, blondie!”

                “Fine!” She almost screams after a least ten minutes of shaking and repeated shouting at her ears. “Just stop it. You’re making me noxious.”

                Raven stops and grins, and the blonde takes a deep breath.

                _I can tell her without spilling Lexa’s secrets, right?_

                “So, in the middle of the night, I woke up…”

                “Oooh, it sounds kinky already.”

                Clarke slaps her arms.

                “Stop that.” She’s already having second thoughts about all this. “So, I woke up because I heard something. Turns out it was Lexa. She was having a nightmare. I was getting worried, she seemed stressed, so I woke her up. Long story short, we ended up… sleeping together.”

                “You didn’t…” Raven seems as shocked as she is exited, and Clarke realizes too late the implications of what she just said. “Griffin, you did her already?!”

                “No! Not like that!” She screams. _I wish it was, though._ She shakes her head before the thoughts take her any further and she has to get a cold shower. _Speaking of that, I should go get a shower._ “Get you head out of the gutter. We just slept on the same bed. Literal sleep.”

                “Oh…” She seems disappointed. “Wait. So, you just wake her up and she asks you to enter the bed, or something? There are details missing! And I live for the details, missy! Spill!”

                “I… I can’t, Raven.” She says, knowing she’ll probably hurt her friend’s feelings, again, and feeling terrible about it. “I’m sorry. It’s just not my story to tell. I can’t betray her trust. I’m sorry.”

                Raven look her in the eyes for a moment before she smiles fondly, much to Clarke’s surprise.

                “It’s ok, Griffin. I get it. I wouldn’t like you to spill my darkest secrets with your girlfriend either.”

                “She’s not my girlfriend!” She yells.

                “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Raven dismisses as she takes her phone out and searches for something before she shows her the screen. On it, it’s written “Lexa Woods” and respective phone number.

                “Do you text her, or do I?”

                “What?! NO! I can’t, Raven!” She says, pushing her friend’s phone away like it has the plague or something.

                “Give me a good reason why not?” She demands, seemly very annoyed at her.

                 “She… She didn’t give her phone number to me. And I just left her house. It’s a bit weird to call her hours after.” She remembers, thanking God there are actually valid reasons to justify her fear.

                Raven nods and turns her head to her phone to start texting.

                “What are you doing?” Clarke asks, worried. When Raven doesn’t even bother to look her way, Clarke tries to take her phone away, now getting really scared as the brunette just avoids her hands. “Raven, what are you doing?”

                They keep fighting for the phone (if you can call it that, because Raven just keep texting like the blonde’s efforts aren’t even being made), but by the time the blonde gets to it (mostly because Raven lets her, though she would never say that out loud), all her worries already came true.

                “Raven, what have you done?” She whispers as she fearfully opens the conversation with Lexa’s name on it.

                **Me (16:53): Hey, Lexa. Reyes here. So, Clarke wants to ask you out, but she’s too chicken to do it. So, I took measures into my own hands. Here’s her number. You can call her if you want. Either way, please don’t hurt my friend.**

Clarke drops the phone of the couch and jumps over Raven.

                “You fucking asshole!” She yells, as she punches the brunettes arm repeatedly. “I’m gonna kill you!”

                But she just laughs and tries, very poorly, to defend herself.

                “Stop, Clarke.” She yells between laughs, as if Clarke was tickling her instead of hitting her. “Clarke, I did you a favor! You should be thanking me!”

                “Thanking you?! You just exposed me to her! She’s probably laughing her ass off like you are right now! You…”

                They both stop when Raven’s phone makes the TARDIS noise. Raven look at the blonde and smiles smugly.

                “Ten bucks as it’s her.” She bets, picking up the phone and checking the text.

                **Lexa Woods (16:59): Reyes, you’re a known prankster. For all I know, this isn’t her number, or you are lying just to get a laugh at my expanse if I call her. You have my number. Give it to her. Tell her she can call me if she desires. But I don’t trust you any more than my arm can reach, and, with your repertoire, you wouldn’t either. Have a good day.**

“See?!” She extends her arm, most likely so Clarke swallows the phone instead of looking at it. “You own me ten bucks. Now, call her, or I will.” She drops the phone on the blonde’s lap.

                “I… My phone is dead.” She states. “I call her when I charge it.”

                Raven rolls her eyes and takes her phone again, and Clarke already knows what’s going to happen.

                “Raven, no!” She shouts as she lunches for the phone, that’s already on the brunette’s ear. Raven just evades the attack and waits patiently for Lexa to answer. “Raven, I beg you. Turn it off.”

                Raven shakes her head.

                “You will never do it on your own, so I have to do it for you.”

                “Raven, please! I’ll call her. I promise. But can it be another day? And on my own phone?”

                “Clarkey, I know you better than you know yourself. You will keep post-boning this. You have… Hey, Woods.”

                Clarke all but panics.

                “Raven, hang up!” She whispers, afraid the person on the other side of the phone will listen.

                “Oh. Can you put her on the phone, then?” Raven says as she looks at the blonde with a wicked smile. “Thanks, Luna. Sure. Just keep it down.”

                She puts the phone on speaker mode.

                “Hello?” Lexa’s voice says from the other side.

                Clarke opens her mouth, but when nothing comes out, Raven intervenes again.

                “Just a second, Woods.” She asks. “Now is the time when you speak, Griffin.” She whispers to Clarke, kicking her in her leg with her braced one.

                “Aahhh… Hi. Lexa.”

                “Hi, Clarke.” She replies, the smirk almost hearable.

                “I… I was wondering… if… if you… if… aahh… will… willyougooutwithme?” She yells it so fast she’s not even sure its English. This woman makes look like a bumbling idiot, and she almost hates her for it.

                Of course, she can’t possibly hate on Lexa, so Raven will have to endure it all.

                “What?” Clarke hears at least three voices asking at the same time.

                _Wait._ One is Lexa. The idiot in front of her is another. Who the hell are the others?

                She can’t dwell much on that, though.

                _Lexa is waiting._

                “I…” She takes a deep breath before she continues. “Do you wanna go out with me?”

                The wait is almost painful, like someone is turning her insides with a mixer. Of course, that can be also because her only “meal” of the day was 100% junk food and candy, but still.

                The wait feels like days, even though it was probably only a few seconds.

                Finally:

                “I would love to.”

                _Wait, what?_ Clarke and Raven look at each other, neither sure which one of them is more surprised.

                “When?” Lexa asks, and it takes Clarke a minute to realize she’s talking to her.

                “Oh. Uh… Friday? We could go out to dinner after work, maybe?”

                “It’s a date.” Lexa agrees. “Have a good weekend, Clarke.” And hangs up.

                Raven puts her phone back in her pocket.

                “I’m waiting, Griffin.” She calmly says, her cocky smile in place, as she crosses her harms.

                “I’m not saying it, Raven.” She shakes her head. “Forget it.”

                “Say it.”

                “No.”

                “Say it, Griffin.”

                “It’s not gonna happen, Raven.”

                Raven arches her eyebrows before launches herself into the blonde, tickling her on the ribs.

                “Say it, Griffin!” She shouts as Clarke unwillingly laughs. She can resist for a few minutes before giving in.

                “Fine! You were right!”

                She stops.

                “See? It wasn’t that hard, was it?” She sits back on the couch and crosses her arms. “So? What are you planning?”

                _Oh, shit. I have to plan it,_ Clarke realizes, as she looks at her very annoying friend blankly. _This shit is gonna go downhill so fast._

                Her thoughts are interrupted by the ring of Raven’s phone. Raven takes it out of her pocket and looks at the name on it, and then back to the blonde, this time with a guilty gaze.

                “What? What did you do?” Clarke asks, fearfully.

                “Well… In my defense, I was worried. And maybe she knew where you were.”

                “Raven…”

                “I’m sorry.” She says as she shows her phone, making Clarke freeze.

                **Income call**

                **Abby Griffin**

                “Oh, shit.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i hope you liked it.  
> please coment any kind of creticism. specially if you think it's bad and what i need to improve. it's important to me to know what i suck at. also gramar or spelling errors i missed. thank you! :D


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